The Horrific Thing That Changed My Life

In August of 1979 I was a sad and lonely 14 year old girl just about to start my  freshman year of high school. A friend of the family had called my mom to ask if I could be the stand by babysitter for their daughter since they'd be going on a family vacation. My mom agreed to let me babysit in place of my friend. As it turned out this young family also attended a local church whose beloved pastor was leaving. The teens at the church wanted to attend the special service in his honor so I was asked to help out in the church's nursery that Sunday. At the time my family and I were not attending church anywhere and were not planning on anytime soon. That Saturday my mom drove me the route I'd be riding my bike to the next day.
The morning of this job went well except that I'd gotten a flat tire on the way. I stayed to babysit the babies and had lunch before calling my mom to come pick me up.
Once my mom and little brother arrived, my mom parked on the busy street because she didn't feel comfortable parking in a strange church's parking lot. My 13 year old brother tied the hood of the trunk of our sedan closed with rope that my mom had. My mom realized that it was dangerous for her son to be near oncoming traffic. She told him to step on the curb while she made sure my bike was secure. Just as she was tugging on the rope, a car came around the corner. Almost instinctively I knew this car was going to hit my mother. I remember watching it in slow motion. I felt helpless as it careened into the person I loved most in the world. After the impact, my little brother and I bounded over a small hill that led to the church's parking lot. We screamed for help at the top of our lungs. Luckily for us there were still a few people milling about the church grounds. One of those individuals was named Steve and another was named Phil. I may have this wrong but I believe Steve applied pressure to my mom's leg to stop the bleeding until the ambulance arrived while Phil held her hand and assured her it would be alright. I don't recall if I rode in the back of the ambulance or my brother did. I do remember that somehow my older brother was contacted to come and get our car. He drove it to the hospital where we all waited for news of our mother. It seemed like hours later before the surgeon emerged to give us an update on my mom.
That was the first of 14 surgeries that my mom endured while they saved her leg. There were many times during my freshman year that I had to go to school while my mom was on the operating table. Plastic surgery and skin grafts became a common occurrence during my mom's lengthy hospital stay.  One surgery was to install the Hoffman Device, a series of pins and screws that goes through the bone and is visible on the outside as well. She was the first patient at our local hospital to have it.
The man who hit my mom felt remorse. He called my mom at the hospital to tell her that he was sorry. He said he couldn't sleep at night. My mom told him that she could not sleep either. It was later determined that he was driving his ex-wife's car while on Valium. My mom's lawyer settled for a good amount that allowed our family to get off of welfare. This was a huge blessing in disguise.
Another wonderful thing that happened is that most of my family started attending church again. Many people from that church came to see my mom in the hospital. It surprised all of us because we didn't even know these people. They also sent many many cards. Shortly after the accident, someone invited my brothers and I to attend their church. There is one family in particular that faithfully drove my younger brother and I to church every single Sunday.
When my brother and I wanted to attend their youth group events, someone made sure we got rides there and back. This church family embraced my family. Eventually I decided to become a Christian and follow after Christ because these strangers had become like family to me. They showed me what true love is really all about.
While I was attending this church I became a Sunday School helper, nursery worker and babysat for many of its young families. It was there that I found my passion for children and teaching. Many of the church members had attended Biola University so I too decided that's where I'd like to go to college. It was no small miracle that I was able to attend this very expensive university for four and a half years to complete my bachelor's degree.
What really strikes me as funny in all of this is that I only attended that church for four years but because its members made such an impact on my life, it seems like it was so much longer. God used a tragedy in my life to give me hope, purpose and meaning.

My mom and I a few years after her terrible accident.

Reflections on Thanksgiving Thoughts From a Mom of a Special Needs Kid

I know that many of you have seen or read about people on Facebook posting one thing a day that they are thankful for for the past month or so. Heck maybe even some of you reading this may be thinking of your thankful thought for today or tomorrow. I did not participate in this new ritual this year. I'm not sure exactly why. I do know one of the reasons was that I was afraid I might miss a day. So instead I'd like to tell you about a few things/ people that I am blessed by.

First of all I must thank God for all of the blessings in my life. While that might sound like some Christian lingo. Like you expect from me. Let me explain. Even though this past year, even the past five months have been incredibly difficult for my family, we know that God has been with us every step of the way. He brought a new friend into my life who has been an invaluable resource and encouragement to me. He gave us a new educational advocate. We liked the former one fine but she was just too expensive. Our new advocate is affordable, close by and best of all she has a child like my daughter. She has walked many miles in my shoes. She is able to help my husband and I navigate the rough waters of the school system. As I have mentioned previously, our church has an incredible disabilities ministry. It is through this ministry and the staff and volunteers who run it, that my daughter has been able to find a place where she feels loved and accepted on Sunday mornings. I am eternally grateful to God for this.

Princess has been to no less than six elementary schools in her short education, four in just the past year alone. We have lived in the same house since her birth. We recently were told that she would be at the same school for the remainder of the school year. When I heard that I wanted to shout "Hallelujah!" from the rooftops and mountain tops. This is something to be grateful for indeed.

The school that Princess is currently attending serves kids like her who need more structure with a loving staff. They work on academics and behavior goals with lots of positive reinforcements. At first Princess hated this new school, but in the last few weeks she seems to be complaining less. I'll take that as a sign that she is adjusting. I am grateful for this new school and the staff who work there.

I am thankful for medical professionals who take the time to show my family and I love and patience. There was one time this summer when things were not so nice but the nurses showed Princess grace when she did not deserve it. They understood that her illness was making her make choices that were not pleasant. They could have easily given in and been harsh but instead they took the high road. There was one nurse in particular who shared with Princess that she had a son about her age. She loved on her as if my daughter was her own. We have often wondered if we would ever get a chance to thank her in person. Well you know what? God knew that was a desire of our heart so recently he gave us the chance to do just that.

Princess was at the medical facility where this nurse works getting a cut looked at. After the doctor fixed it up, we headed out to our car. Who was out in front of the building? Why none other than our angel of mercy! Our family got to thank her in person. We were able to tell her how much her kindness meant to us. As she was walking away to get back to work, Princess ran up to her and asked to give her a hug. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

Even though Princess is a friendly outgoing child, she struggles with maintaining friendships. Those few friends that she does have mean the world to her. I think that they mean more to her than the average child. The friends she does have have to be able to forgive her and show lots of patience. Princess has three friends who are a blessing to her and in turn a blessing to us. One is a friend she doesn't see much but who is very dear nonetheless. Another is a boy that she met at church. They enjoy just hanging out whenever they are able to. The third friend is my best friend's daughter. I am grateful as I see this friendship blossom. They are so good for each other. This friend remembers the not so good times but chooses to focus on the good times that the two friends share. I am told that this friend and her mother pray for our family every morning on the way to school. We are blessed indeed!

I must conclude this list by mentioning my husband, AKA Princess's dad. He has had to shift his thinking about what a dad should teach his daughter. He has has to learn a whole set of acronyms and jargon. He has attended many IEPs. He is the one who is able to redirect Princess when she gets agitated. He loves Princess the way a child should be loved, unconditionally. He did not sign up for being a parent of a child with special needs but he is embracing it. He is choosing to let it make him a better man.  Those of you who do not have a child with special needs may not be aware of this but many dads of these children throw in the towel or are in denial about their child. Princess's dad is not one of these men. For this Princess and I are grateful.

At the end of the day I can choose to focus on the negative, the hardships we have experienced this past year or I can look for God's blessings. I choose to actively seek His blessings on my family's life.

May all of you have a blessed Thanksgiving. Keep looking for God's blessings in your life no matter how big or small.

VBS Fail!!

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     If you have been following this blog for any amount of time, you know that my daughter has had trouble at both home and school with aggression. Her school says that she doesn’t need a highly trained 1:1 aide. After today, I have more ammo that Princess needs a 1:1 aide or a therapeutic day school.

My friend recommended the VBS at a local church (not the church that we attend). She told me that if I told them about my daughter and requested a 1:1, then they would provide her one. Well I did this three weeks in advance of VBS. The director sent me an email saying that they might not be able to provide Princess with a 1:1. She said that myself or another family member might have to come be that 1:1 aide for the week. I am not too keen on this idea.Princess has never done well when I am a helper in one of her classrooms. I also think that can be hard for a child to have to have their parent there.

      Yesterday Princess did OK for the first day. She said she didn’t want to go anymore but we talked and processed on how to make things better. This morning she got up, got dressed and was ready on time. When I got to the church, she freaked out a little because the music was too loud. Then one of the counselors came over and gave her some headphones and her picture schedule of the day’s events. I was thrilled. It looked like the church got it. Wrong!

     A few hours later when I went to pick her up, I noticed that the counselor called someone on her walkie talkie.  I thought maybe it was just a coincidence that it was at the same time as I walked up. Wishful thinking! It was about Princess. The counselor told me that director wanted to talk to me. When I went over to where she was, she told me that Princess had been aggressive. I was officially told that they did not have the manpower to handle her and keep the other kids safe. I was told that Princess could not come back unless she had a family member come. Not gonna happen. I will just figure out something here at our house.

     What frustrates me most is that I expect this from sports leagues, dance teams, Girl Scouts, theater groups etc. but not from the church. The church IMO should be a place of acceptance for all. Heck even movie theaters are having special viewings for Autistic kids. I know that this church did some things to help but obviously not enough. I was told that her special buddy for the week was a teenager.

     The director told me that Princess was only listening to adults. She did not have an extra adult to help out with C. She also told me that she didn't want Princess to miss out on this opportunity but that myself or a family member would have to provide the extra support my daughter needs. She does not see that Princess will get teased if her mommy is there to help. I can work to get her more supports at home, school and at our church but I guess not everywhere. I am still so saddened by this. I wish I could just tell other moms and adults what it is like to have a kid like mine. And so I blog about this experience to educate others on what it is like to raise a high needs child.

One day Mental Illness will be more understood. One day....

BTW- This experience makes me even more grateful that our church has a really good disabilities ministry.

BTW2- I did ask the director to write a letter to whom it may concern telling what supports were in place and even with these supports Princess needed a more qualified aide to help her navigate VBS successfully. Hopefully I can show this letter to the school district in the Fall.

BTW3- My dh said “ Hey that’s kind of what the school said about Princess needing you to go on the field trip with her.”

This is a picture of Princess all ready to go to VBS this morning. (minus the flip flops)