How My Childhood Did Not Prepare Me for Parenting My Child with Challenging Behaviors

I admit it. I was somewhat prepared, but not by my childhood. It was the childhood of my older brother. He gave my mom a run for her money. Everything she stood for, he did the exact opposite. I watched him give my mom a lot of gray hair and wrinkles. I often worried if my mom, who wasn't entirely stable, would end up back in a psych hospital after all of the antics he pulled.
I was two and a half years behind him. I vowed not to repeat his mistakes. Instead I was the exact opposite. When my mom said, "Jump!", I answered with, "How high?" I'm what some would refer to as a goody two shoes. I did not drink, smoke or do drugs. During my teen years, when I wasn't at youth group or working on school work, I was my mom's constant companion. I'm the one who stayed home and watched TV while both brothers were out doing God knows what.
Imagine my surprise when God decided to give me a very high spirited child. When I say, "Jump!", she questions, "Why?" Thankfully, she's still too young to participate in many of the same activities that my brother did. I hope and pray she does not. Still I brace and prepare for the what ifs. I would be naive to think that my daughter is going to skip that phase entirely.
I've seen her question my authority due to her Oppositional Defiant Disorder since she uttered her first words at the tender age of one. Over the years I've seen this behavior wax and wane depending on her stability. Currently, my husband and I are seeing an upswing in defiant behavior. At age 2, 4,  and 6; we could pretty much pick her up when she displayed this behavior. As she gets older, that's impossible to do.
I often think to myself, "How the heck am I going to survive puberty and adolescence with this child?" I try to remind myself of a few things:

1. Breathe- Just like when she was little and I found myself having to take mommy time-outs, I need to do this when I feel like I am losing control.
2. Ask the Experts-For us that is those who have gone before us. Those who have successfully launched their children into adulthood. I can also consult parents of special needs children to see what works for them or just to commiserate with them. Another group whose brains I can pick are professionals. We are blessed to have a team working with us. They often think of things that I have not.
3. Find More Experts if Needed-During the tumultuous years of ages 7-9, I saw a therapist on my own on and off. I think it's time to consider that again.
4. Pray, Pray and pray some more- I've seen firsthand the power of prayer. It often gives me a Person to vent to when I have no where else to turn.
5. Take AA's motto to heart- One day at a time. Some days it is one hour or even one minute at a time. If I live in the moment and not worry so much about the future, I will have less anxiety.

Of course, I'm not perfect. I don't have all of the answers. I'm sure I'll make plenty of mistakes. I'm hopeful though, that with the above 5 techniques in place I will survive my daughter's tween/teen years in spite of not being a rebellious tween/teen myself.

Please comment below if you have any additional tips that will help me.

Credit to Johnny Diaz-"Breathe"

You can also follow our journey on Facebook at: Raising a Drama Queen: Adventures with Autism and Bipolar Disorder.

When a Mommy Friend Understands What It’s Like to Parent a Special Needs Child

Many parents of special needs kids talk about how they need people to be supportive of their situation. I find that especially true since I am a parent of a child with the dual diagnoses of bipolar disorder and autism. Having a child with these invisible disabilities, ones where a child looks like a normal child, but responds to her world very differently from most, can be very isolating. I’m happy to say that I have found a person who is not related to me by blood, but who has embraced my family as her own.

This afternoon I was at my best  friend’s house sitting around her kitchen table chatting with other moms. Eventually the topic of children came up. One thing led to another and I found myself telling the other moms our story.  One mom in particular wanted to know how my daughter was diagnosed. She also wanted to know what were the signs that something was amiss. Before I could even speak up, my best friend spoke and explained things so eloquently. She told of my daughter’s sensory issues and mood swings. Another mom who has met my child uttered the famous “But she doesn’t look autistic!” line. My wonderful friend rose to the occasion and replied, “That’s just it, you might see a child like Princess in the store and think, ‘Boy, that child is a brat!’” She went on to explain how everyone needs to be more accepting of children like Princess. People need to show kindness not judgment.

 As the conversation progressed, and I shared more of our story, I couldn’t help but be grateful that my best friend truly “gets it.” She understands the challenges my child faces on a daily basis. She knows the lengths that I have gone to to get my child the help that she needs. She even remarked, “I knew that Cate needed a friend who would stand by her side. I decided to be that friend.”

As the afternoon turned to evening, I gathered my things to head home. On the way out the door, I told my friend how much I appreciated her support. Her response solidified what a great friend she is, “If people are going to come to my house, they need to know how to support you. If not, they will not be welcome because you are my family.”  That is the sign of a true friend. I may have shed a tear or two on my drive home.

My Best Friend and I

Telling My Special Needs Child The Real Deal About Santa

My husband and I come from very different backgrounds. I was a city girl. He was a country boy. I was raised by my single mom who depended on Welfare to help her meet our needs. He was raised without want by two very loving parents.
Our parents even approached the whole Santa thing differently. One of the things my dad told me  before he walked out of our lives when I was around six or seven, was that there was no such thing as Santa and to stop believing in him.  My husband's mom still hangs stockings and fills them for every family member, young or old, claiming they are from Santa. I was lucky to get socks and underwear for Christmas. My husband always got whatever was on his wish list- a tradition that is still carried on to this day.
When Princess was born. my husband and I had a very frank discussion about what role Santa would play in our daughter's life. Since I felt like I missed out on the magic, I was all in. My husband wanted our daughter to experience the wonder and awe of Santa like he did.  Based on our experiences, we agreed that we would encourage Princess to believe in Santa.
We were experts at crafting this marvelous secret. My husband would make our daughter's favorite Snickerdoodle cookies for Santa. I would buy the perfect gifts and stocking stuffers. We found the perfect Santa with a real beard to visit. There were many Christmas Eves that my husband stayed up until the wee hours putting together the latest and greatest must have toy for Princess.
As she got older, we got got more creative in keeping the magic alive. When Princess awoke one Christmas morning, there was soot outside the fireplace where Santa had walked. Last year my daughter even received a lovely letter on North Pole stationery from Santa telling her that he couldn't bring her a real live puppy but instead found her a large overstuffed one.
We were in deep.
This year we decided to tell her the real deal. Our fear was that another child would tell her. That, in our opinion, was worse than if we told her ourselves.
So on a Sunday afternoon recently we sat her down and presented her with this letter.- Thanks Pintrest for the idea.

"2014

Princess,

 We know that you have asked us before if Santa is real. We know that you really want to know the answer.  After seeing how much you are growing up, we know that it is time to tell you.

The answer is YES Santa does exist- just not the way you have always believed.  I am not Santa, neither is your dad. There is no one single Santa either. Santa is bigger than any one person and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. Santa is lots and lots of people who keep the spirit alive. He doesn’t live in the North Pole but lives in our hearts. Santa is the magic, love, and spirit of giving to others.

 Dad and I are the ones who read your letters, picked your presents with love, and placed them under the tree. Dad and I did this just as our parents did this for us. One day you will do the same for your children.

We know that God can be hard to understand sometimes, but we hope you’ll always remember that He sent us His son, Jesus to die for us. That little baby in a manger grew up to be a man who died on the cross for our sins. That is the greatest gift of all.

Just as God sent the most perfect gift He could think of Dad and I tried to pick the perfect gifts for you each year.

Here’s something really awesome: Dad and I spent about a month getting ready for Christmas but God is spending lots more time getting heaven ready for us.

We do ask that you help us keep Santa alive for kids like Ricky, Justin and any other kids who still believe. A child has to be ready to believe this kind of secret. A child’s parents should be the ones to tell them just like we told you.  Just as you found joy in believing in Santa we can assure you that you will have that same feeling in watching others believe in that magic.

We love you very much Princess. We hope you have enjoyed all of your Christmases and your presents.

Love,

Mom and Dad"

We asked her if she wanted one of us to read it or if she wanted to read it. She said she'd read it. She made it about halfway through before her lip started quivering. By the end she was in tears. When she finished reading it, she went over to my husband and really started sobbing. I did not have rose colored glasses on thinking that Princess would be totally fine with the concept of her mom and dad being Santa but I did not expect her to be as upset as she was.

After she cried with her father for a few minutes, she came over to me and cried on my shoulder for a bit. She looked straight at both of us and called us liars. She was shocked, appalled and disappointed that we, of all people, had lied to her.

I tried explaining to her that we did it out of love for her but she would not listen and instead ran off to her room to bawl her head off. I was worried that this was the trigger that would be the end of over a year of stability for her. This would send her back to the behavior hospital. She was that upset. We had not seen this type of reaction to anything for a very long time.

After about 30 minutes, she emerged. She went to our family room and played quietly with her dolls. I sat in there with her for most of the day just in case she needed me. My husband and I put our plans for the day on hold so that we could be available to talk if she wanted us to.

Eventually Princess came around. I don't think she's at the point where she fully "forgives" us or even understands why we did what we did but she has come to terms with the fact that Santa exists in our hearts. She grasps that parents play Santa for their children.

Since Princess was so upset and her heart was "shattered" (her words), we decided to have a family session with her counselor the next day at her regularly scheduled appointment. Seeing our family therapist really helped all of us process this more.

The true test as to whether or not Princess was moving on, came yesterday when we went to see Santa. Princess passed with flying colors. She sat on Santa's lap, told him what she wanted for Christmas but didn't say a word to him about knowing he wasn't real. As Princess and her BFF skipped off after leaving Santa, I heard both of them whispering and giggling because they know a secret that the little kids waiting in line did not.

Princess and I are making plans to play Santa for another child who still believes. It may be one whose dad is incarcerated or one who doesn't have much. Whatever the case, I know that Princess will want to help another child believe in the magic and wonder of Santa just as she did for ten glorious years.

What I've learned in all of this is that I must remember that because my child feels everything so deeply, I need to be prepared to offer her extra guidance and support. I cannot assume that because it is or was not not a big deal for me that it won't be for her. The other piece to this is to continue to utilize the services of professionals who can help my husband and I navigate these rough waters with our daughter.

This is Princess visiting Santa last year