The Effect Bullying Had on my Daughter with Special Needs

My daughter is a very sensitive child. She has a warrior inside of her, but she's still very tender. Following a recent move, I was able to see how delicate she really is. 

When school began in September, our new school district assigned her to a school they had just opened up. It was a school for children like my daughter or so they said. We soon found out that most of the children attending it had more severe behaviors than my daughter. They were very aggressive and hostile. After a few weeks at this school, my daughter began showing signs of distress not unlike those of a child being bullied. I advocated on my child's behalf, but to no avail. I really felt like my words were falling on deaf ears.

My daughter has a lot of needs both medical and behavioral. I often have to pick her up early from school or drop her off late due to her various appointments. On an early pick up day, a school administrator brought my child to the office. He informed me that Princess had been hit in the nose with a pencil. She was so distressed by the incident, that she missed over an hour of instruction while she calmed down. I asked questions to find out more details. I was told very little as no one saw anything.

Additionally,  on numerous other occasions daughter also told me that she felt threatened by several of the boys in her class. They called her nasty names and used racial slurs. She tried to inform the staff as to what was happening, however, they were often breaking up fights in the classroom or campus so they were not able to help her out. 

The Friday following the pencil incident, I pulled my daughter out of the school. That Monday I attended an emergency IEP meeting to make my request formal. The school district and school agreed this placement was not a good fit for my daughter. I've been working with the school district ever since to find a more suitable school. I believe I've found one, however, they are not ready to accept my child. They want to make sure everything is in place before she starts there.

In the meantime, my daughter has been through intensive therapy to help her deal with what she encountered at her previous school. Most days she has been doing extremely well. There are days though where she doesn't know what to do with all of her emotions.

Last week, we were in the car returning home from an appointment when I noticed she was angry with me for what appeared to be no reason. So I asked her about it.:

Me: I don't understand why you are upset with me. We've had such a good day. Have I done something to make you angry?

Princess: I feel like I am with you all of the time. I wish there was someone else I could talk to.

Me: Well you will see you dad soon and you can talk to your therapist tomorrow. I feel like there is something else.

Princess: I don't know how to say it without making you mad.

Me: Just say it.

Princess: I'm scared. What if all of the boys at my new school are mean? What if they treat me like the boys treated me at my old school?

Me: Well, when we toured the school, they seemed really nice and friendly.

Princess: What if that was just fake? What if they are really mean on the inside? (At this point the tears started flowing)

Me: Oh, baby! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I do think that this new school has a caring staff who won't let that happen. They told me they have a plan in place so you won't get bullied.

Princess: Mom?

Me: Yes.

Princess: I think I need a hug. Could you pull the car over and give me a hug?

At that point, I pulled into a neighborhood, stopped in front of a cute house with a basketball hoop and got out to give my daughter the longest hug in awhile. We both cried together. She cried because she was scared and relieved. I cried because my girl was so sad. My heart ached for her.

After our crying party ended, as I got in the car, I told my girl how proud I was of her for expressing her feelings. I also told her that I now know that when she is anxious and stressed, she displays anger. This knowledge can help us in the future.

As I work with my daughter's team to help her become emotionally strong, I hope and pray that she never has to endure what she went through this September. I believe the school she attended for just a few short weeks was ill equipped to handle her needs. In some respects, they did try to help. Unfortunately, it was not enough. When I first brought my concerns to their attention,  denied that anything was wrong. I kept trying to figure out a solution until it became apparent that the solution was to pull my child out of that school.

In all of this I have learned that my daughter will survive. In fact, I think she'll come out being a stronger person.

As I drove off on that day not too long ago, I reminded Princess that not all boys are mean. Not all boys are bullies. Her BFF, pictured below, is one of the nicest boys. We're pleased to have him (and his family) in our lives.

Princess and her best friend two years ago

5 Red Flags That You Need to Find a Different Counselor for Your Child

Back in 2010 when my daughter was really struggling in school, my husband and were encouraged to seek out a counselor to learn how to parent her unique needs better. We were blessed because the very first counselor we saw was a perfect fit for our family. She counseled my child and really our whole family for almost five years. She was pretty amazing. In January of this year, this beloved and trusted family therapist moved her practice out of the area. We probably could have followed her if we wanted to drive a minimum of two hours for our weekly visits. It would most likely be at least twice a week since she was our family therapist.
When I first started looking for a new licensed marriage and family therapist in February, I ran into road block after road block. The best therapists were either out of our price range, did not accept our insurance or did not have any current openings. The rest never even returned my phone calls. (That I don't get. To me good customer service requires that you treat everyone with the same respect that you would want.)
Upon the advice of my daughter's home/school district appointed counselor, we decided to take a break from the search for a private therapist since we already had so many supports in place at school. Additionally, Princess was doing so well that she did not appear to need a family therapist yet.
Then in late July/early August my husband and I started to notice that our girl was sliding into instability. At this time, I began my search with renewed vigor and urgency. One of the therapists who was kind enough to return my call, told me that she was booked, but gave me some names of female counselors who saw children.  We had two visits with one of these counselors. We courted her if you will. Today I called to tell this counselor that while we were thankful for her services, we'd be looking for another professional who met our needs better.
Finding a therapist who is right for your child, is not unlike finding a mate you plan on spending your life with. After all, a good therapist could become a part of your family for a very long time.
As my husband and I were courting this therapist, there were five red flags that told us we had not found the perfect match for our family:

1.  They tell your child that one of their behaviors is something that a two year old would do. Aside from being an insult, this did not help my child curb that behavior.
2. They give you advice that doesn't meet your child's needs.  Upon our therapist's advice, we increased the amount of money my daughter had to pay back when she took change that did not belong to her. Instead of agreeing to this, we now have a child who is refusing to pay it back and is even more non-compliant. I gave this advice a good "college try", but this philosophy did not work for our situation.
3. They have little or no experience working with children who have the same diagnosis as your child. While giving us an intake survey, this therapist asked if my daughter was awake for 3-4 days at a time (a common symptom for adults with Bipolar Disorder.). I responded that we had never witnessed this with our daughter. Then I told her that Princess, like many children with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder, was a rapid cycler; she gave me a look that told me was a novel concept to her.
4. Your friends tell you that they see one or more red flags.  Like many parents I have friends that I confide in. Some of these are parents of special needs children. Others are parents whose judgment I trust.  I always ask their opinion on things when I am not sure myself. Often when we are in the midst of a crisis, think the professionals know best. This is not always the case. In this instance, no less than three friends told me that they did not agree with the therapist's strategy.
5. Your gut tell you this is not the therapist for you.  If something doesn't feel right, trust your instincts. I often tell parents not to stick it out and hope things will get better. In my experience, they don't usually improve. It is best cut your losses and move on. This will save a lot of heartache on the child's part because they will not have formed a strong bond with the new therapist. It will be easier to transition to a new one. I decided I needed to take my own advice here.

Fortunately, I have another therapist that we will start courting beginning on Saturday. I am hopeful this will be a better fit since this particular professional specializes in Applied Behavioral Therapy (ABA), a technique that my daughter's school has used successfully with her. If not, I'll start my search again soon. My daughter is counting on me to find her a therapist that is able to help her be the best that she can be.

I asked myself this question many times over the past two weeks.