A Failed Suicide: My Story

In 2012 I was in a really dark place. I had a bully boss who was micromanaging my every move. I tried to measure up to her high standards, but I could not. I don't think that I would have ever been a good enough teacher in her eyes. In March of that same year, I contemplated suicide. I wanted the pain to stop. I erroneously thought that my life would be of more value if I were dead than if I were alive. I was driving on the 55 Freeway and figured that if I drove fast enough, I could smash my car into another car and end it all. Fortunately, I chickened out.

Let me take you back to the day that led to these horrific thoughts.

A few weeks prior to my failed attempt and months after months of harassment, I was working hard to become a better teacher. One of the things that I was asked to do was to have a mentor work with me to create a plan to improve my craft. My mentor and I decided on a few days where she could come help me. We notified my principal in writing of all of these days in sufficient time.  That particular day I planned on teaching for an hour then working with my mentor for a few hours and end the day collaborating with my colleagues. Apparently, my principal forgot about the days because the morning in question I was greeted by the office manager who asked me why I needed a 1/2 day sub that day. I informed her of the plan and told her that Mrs. B, the principal, knew of this plan. I went on my merry way, because it was almost time to get my students. About twenty minutes later, Mrs. B. burst into my room. She called me over and in front of my students lambasted me about the situation stating that I did not have prior approval as stated in the Teachers Who Need Mentors manual. I reminded her that I had previously turned in paperwork with the dates that I would be working on my improvement plan. A paper that she signed and approved of. As she walked out of the door, I stood there flabbergasted. I could not believe that I had just been yelled out in front of 30 five and six year olds. By my supervisor no less! I'll never forget the look of horror on those scared little babies' faces. One of them piped up and said, "What was that all about?"
I collected myself as best as I could and then returned to teaching my precious students.
A month later as I was recounting this story to my therapist, she wisely noted, "I bet some of your students see their parents act like this on a regular basis. This event just further traumatized them"
When the substitute came, she could sense that something was amiss, but told me to get on with my day. She would figure out what needed to be done.
I tried to calmly walk out of my classroom as I went looking for my mentor. As luck would have it, there were no empty classrooms that we could work in. I did not want to work in the teachers' lounge because I feared my bully would interrupt our planning time to yell at me again. We decided instead to go to my mentor's car to work. A few minutes after we got situated, my phone rang. It was the school, they wanted to know where I was. My bully had sent out the office manager looking for me, but she couldn't find me. For the record, I did not have to tell anyone my whereabouts. My students were cared for. I could have gone off campus if I wanted to. It probably would have been more comfortable instead of balancing my notebook and laptop in the front seat of a compact car.
When I answered the phone, I could hear my bully screaming in the back ground, "You tell her to get back in campus right now. She needs to return to her students. She does not have permission to work on her plan today." I immediately gathered my things together and reported for duty as my drill sergeant had requested. I stuffed my emotions for the third time that morning.
Whether I followed protocol or not, it is never Ok for an adult to yell at another adult in the presence of children. I will never know the impact that that day had on my students. I only know the impact that it had on me.
For days after that event, I was unable to sleep and started to lose my hair. Then one day on the way to work as those scenes flashed through my mind, I became overtaken with anxiety. I could not breathe. I parked my car, called the office and told them I would not be working that day. I then drove home in tears. The incident on the 55 Freeway happened a couple of weeks after that.
I could not see my future. I could not envision returning to that hostile environment. I knew that my family needed me to provide for them because at the time I was the primary breadwinner. I thought the only was out of this mess was to end it all. After those scary thoughts,  I arrived at my friend's house. I told her what I had been thinking. She encouraged me to speak to our family therapist about those thoughts. Later that evening before I left her house, my friend made me promise not to act on my thoughts.

When the therapist heard my story, she encouraged me to speak more to a psychiatrist to see about taking some medication. So I did. For over a year I took medication and I saw a counselor until I no longer was in that dark place. One of the things that my counselor told me was that children whose parents commit suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves. I could not imagine my daughter killing herself, because she knew that's what her momma had done when things got rough.
I am forever indebted to my friend and my therapist for talking me out of that dark hole. I am also grateful for medication that was available to me during that time.

**I did eventually return to the scene of the crime so to speak, but things were never the same. I'll write about that experience in a few weeks.

5 Signs That You May Have Found a Qualified Child Therapist

Last week I called  to cancel our next appointment with a sub par therapist. You can read about the reasons why here.
Yesterday my husband and I met with a new counselor. We're cautiously optimistic that she will be a good fit for our daughter. Our appointment with Miss A was actually just part of the interview process. We'd been in contact, via email, several times this past week. Knowing what I know now I can confidently say there are a few signs that all parents should look for when searching for a child therapist (aka counselor).

1.) A qualified therapist will call any previous therapists and professionals to confer with them.  Miss A asked me to sign releases of information for my daughter's private therapist, psychiatrist and school staff. Then she took the time to contact them. I've had several instances where professionals have asked for releases, but never took the time to contact those who know our story.

2.) They have names and numbers of other professionals you can add to your child's team. My husband and I have been talking about getting our daughter a more formal autism diagnosis. This will hopefully make more services available to her. After telling Miss A about this and that we weren't sure who to go to or who even took our insurance, she produced a list of people who took our insurance that she had first hand knowledge of. Guess what I'll be doing tomorrow morning?

3.) A highly qualified therapist will provide practical solutions based on your child's unique needs. When we told Miss A that my daughter was having challenges with not taking things that do not belong to her, she suggested some useful tips. One of which I was already doing. (Telling my daughter to say, "I'm struggling." When she feels tempted to take something.)  She said, "Consequences for impulsive behavior will not work with your child. Instead you need to have a plan to prevent this behavior."

4.) You hear the phrase, " I will let your child lead how our session goes. She will choose what we play with" Miss A told my husband and I all of the different play options that were available to her. She definitely knows the direction she is going to go, but she wants to make it a fun experience for my daughter.

5). As you leave your child's potential therapist tell you that they can't wait to meet your child next week. This gave my husband and I great comfort hearing this.

Stay tuned. I will update after our next appointment that is scheduled for this coming Saturday.

Here's hoping that this is my daughter's new philosophy very soon.

5 Red Flags That You Need to Find a Different Counselor for Your Child

Back in 2010 when my daughter was really struggling in school, my husband and were encouraged to seek out a counselor to learn how to parent her unique needs better. We were blessed because the very first counselor we saw was a perfect fit for our family. She counseled my child and really our whole family for almost five years. She was pretty amazing. In January of this year, this beloved and trusted family therapist moved her practice out of the area. We probably could have followed her if we wanted to drive a minimum of two hours for our weekly visits. It would most likely be at least twice a week since she was our family therapist.
When I first started looking for a new licensed marriage and family therapist in February, I ran into road block after road block. The best therapists were either out of our price range, did not accept our insurance or did not have any current openings. The rest never even returned my phone calls. (That I don't get. To me good customer service requires that you treat everyone with the same respect that you would want.)
Upon the advice of my daughter's home/school district appointed counselor, we decided to take a break from the search for a private therapist since we already had so many supports in place at school. Additionally, Princess was doing so well that she did not appear to need a family therapist yet.
Then in late July/early August my husband and I started to notice that our girl was sliding into instability. At this time, I began my search with renewed vigor and urgency. One of the therapists who was kind enough to return my call, told me that she was booked, but gave me some names of female counselors who saw children.  We had two visits with one of these counselors. We courted her if you will. Today I called to tell this counselor that while we were thankful for her services, we'd be looking for another professional who met our needs better.
Finding a therapist who is right for your child, is not unlike finding a mate you plan on spending your life with. After all, a good therapist could become a part of your family for a very long time.
As my husband and I were courting this therapist, there were five red flags that told us we had not found the perfect match for our family:

1.  They tell your child that one of their behaviors is something that a two year old would do. Aside from being an insult, this did not help my child curb that behavior.
2. They give you advice that doesn't meet your child's needs.  Upon our therapist's advice, we increased the amount of money my daughter had to pay back when she took change that did not belong to her. Instead of agreeing to this, we now have a child who is refusing to pay it back and is even more non-compliant. I gave this advice a good "college try", but this philosophy did not work for our situation.
3. They have little or no experience working with children who have the same diagnosis as your child. While giving us an intake survey, this therapist asked if my daughter was awake for 3-4 days at a time (a common symptom for adults with Bipolar Disorder.). I responded that we had never witnessed this with our daughter. Then I told her that Princess, like many children with Early Onset Bipolar Disorder, was a rapid cycler; she gave me a look that told me was a novel concept to her.
4. Your friends tell you that they see one or more red flags.  Like many parents I have friends that I confide in. Some of these are parents of special needs children. Others are parents whose judgment I trust.  I always ask their opinion on things when I am not sure myself. Often when we are in the midst of a crisis, think the professionals know best. This is not always the case. In this instance, no less than three friends told me that they did not agree with the therapist's strategy.
5. Your gut tell you this is not the therapist for you.  If something doesn't feel right, trust your instincts. I often tell parents not to stick it out and hope things will get better. In my experience, they don't usually improve. It is best cut your losses and move on. This will save a lot of heartache on the child's part because they will not have formed a strong bond with the new therapist. It will be easier to transition to a new one. I decided I needed to take my own advice here.

Fortunately, I have another therapist that we will start courting beginning on Saturday. I am hopeful this will be a better fit since this particular professional specializes in Applied Behavioral Therapy (ABA), a technique that my daughter's school has used successfully with her. If not, I'll start my search again soon. My daughter is counting on me to find her a therapist that is able to help her be the best that she can be.

I asked myself this question many times over the past two weeks.