Children Aren't the Only Bullies

I was going to title this post "The Real Reason I Left Teaching" but decided that the above title would catch more people's eyes. This is a post that I have been mulling over for about a week now. My blog is about my daughter and how I navigate the rough waters with her. Today's blog post is about me this time. Let's face it, how I deal with difficulties in my life will in one way or another affect my daughter.

I feel in some respects that I have been living a lie. I don't like liars  nor do I condone lying but I do think that sometimes we lie to protect ourselves and others.  For about two years now I have been dealing with  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD brought on by my administrator at the school I taught at. Most people equate this disability with war time vets. Here's Merriam Webster's definition: "a mental condition that can affect a person who has had a very shocking or difficult experience (such as fighting in a war) and that is usually characterized by depression, anxiety, etc." That definition fits me to a T. Since I am no longer in the situation that caused my PTSD, I am not currently suffering from the effects of it.  At one time I was on medication and I went to counseling for over a year for it.

In today's society we hear about preventing bully. Teaching our children to speak up. Helping the bully. We think we know the outcomes of bullying if we leave it alone. There is one bully that society is ignoring. It is the bully boss. In the state of California we do not have any anti bully laws against employers. Most people subscribe to the the idea that if you don't like your job or your boss, just get a new job. That is easier said than done. In my case I tried for two years to get transferred to another school within my district, however, I was not successful.

I also sought legal advice from no less than three attorneys. At the time they told me that I could not claim harassment since all of the attacks were related to my job performance not sexual, religious or race related.

For a long time I thought if I was just stronger, if I just held on a little longer, if I just tried harder, I would get my bully to stop. I did everything that she asked of me.  Finally, I confronted her. I told her what she was doing was wrong. I enlisted the help of my union but they were not much help. I filed a grievance stating that what she was doing was unfair and unethical. I thought maybe that would get her to back down. Nope none of that worked.

About a year and a half into the ordeal, things really escalated to the point where I was having panic attacks, having trouble sleeping  and losing my hair. At that point I took a stress leave in hopes of getting a transfer to another school. The HR person in my district felt that all of the responsibility lay on my shoulders. He gave me permission to transfer but he did not help me find a position. So after six months away from that hell hole, I returned. I really wanted it to work but my site administrator wanted me gone. She did everything in her power to see that I failed. After only being back one month, I went out again. Three weeks later my daughter had her first hospital stay at a behavioral hospital.

At that time it became clear that I my daughter needed me more than my career did. The funny thing was was that my husband had been telling me for over a year that I should just quit my job since it was causing me so much stress. It wasn't until my daughter's crisis that I realized that he was right all along.

I am happy to say that I have found a new career in educational advocacy. I am using my vast teaching experience and my experience as the parent of a Special Needs child to help other parents get their children help. God used something awful in my life to change the direction of my career.

I write this not only to clear my conscience and my emotions but also as a way of saying that bully bosses do exist. They are more of a problem than society wants to admit.

It Had to be Her Decision

As I write this Taffy the Wonder Dog (Not her real name), is directly underfoot. She likes to hang out  wherever we are but it must be her choice, her decision. She made that very clear to us but one family member in particular had a tough time understanding this. You've probably already guessed that that someone is Princess.
From the minute we brought TWD home after we adopted her, she started showing her allegiance to certain family members. At first it was my husband who always gives her treats and likes to throw the ball around with her. I'd never had the privilege of owning an indoor dog so I was a little slower to catch on to what TWD needs and wants. After awhile, I learned that she likes to hear me use a baby voice with her. She likes to sit next to me when I am sitting on the couch. But most of all she likes to sleep in our bed. She's been known to find a warm spot to lie on when we get up too.
For the longest time Princess wanted TWD to love her as much as she loved TWD. It was painful to watch really.
We had this nighttime ritual that TWD tolerated but she learned quickly how to keep everyone happy. When it was time to tuck Princess in, the hubs would go get TWD and bring her into Princess' room. After Prayers, Princess wanted us to shut the door so that TWD would stay with her. After many months, TWD realized that it was much easier of she just hung out in my daughter's room while she got ready for bed. Then as soon as she knew Princess was asleep, she'd scratch to be let out. One day the hubs and I told Princess that the door needed to be open whenever TWD was in her room so that she could be free to come and go as she pleased. Another thing that happened, was that Princess let the dog sleep on her bedroom floor instead of making her sleep in the bed with her. She learned too that when she was reading her books, TWD would stick around longer if she read aloud to her.
The past two nights I witnessed a miracle. Friday night TWD stayed in Princess room until midnight when she took her spot in her bed on our bed. Then last night she stayed with Princess the entire night!!
This morning it was so cute! As Princess was watching the remainder of a Barbie movie, TWD was right next to her on the couch that is a rare sight. Princess used a loving tone with her when TWD went out to play her Tom and Jerry game with the neighborhood squirrel.
Little by little we showed Princess what TWD needed and responded to. Like we do with TWD we used a loving voice to guide her.
Here's hoping to more victories as this relationship progresses but for now Princess is learning that it must be TWD's decision.

On Being the Mom My Kid Needs

Today there was an incident that reminded me of why I do what I do for my daughter. It went like this...

Yesterday I received a phone call from Princess' teacher during the school day. My heart skipped a beat because in the past phone calls meant one of two things and never anything else: either my kid hurt another kid or she was hurt or sick. Never once did I get a phone call complimenting my child. Yesterday's phone call was neither. It was about changing the time the van picks Princess up in the morning. It worked out wonderful for us this morning to have almost an extra hour.

Then today I did get one of those dreaded phone calls. This time it was that my child was injured. I should be upset because another child pushed my child into a wall which injured her already delicate back. I'm not angry though because my daughter used to be the one hurting other children.

Princess' school therapist/case manager called me to tell me about the injury and to see if I wanted to pick Princess up. She informed me that Princess had asked for me to come get her. Since I had not had to do this in a very long time, I agreed.

One of the reasons I thought I should come and get Princess was that I wanted her to know that I cared. I envisioned her sitting there wondering why her mom didn't pick her up. As I was thinking about this I recalled a time when I was a child when my mom did not come and get me. I still remember to this day that I was in 6th grade when my period leaked through my white pants. For whatever reason my mom could not take off work so the male principal drove me home. Once home I discovered my two brothers were home from school sick that day. Since my older brother was of age, he stayed home to take care of both of them. It was an awkward and embarrassing moment to be sure.  I was surrounded by all of these males in the middle of my female crisis. Don't get me wrong there were plenty of times that my mom took off to take care of me but this one time she did not.

When Princess was littler and even last year, we got a lot of phone calls from the school telling us that she had hurt herself. Most of the time my husband went to get her because at the time he was the primary caretaker. There was one time that he was substitute teaching and I was teaching full time. Neither one of us could get away easily and we didn't really have any friends or relatives who could come and get Princess. I ended up being the one to go get her. It ended up being nothing but I was glad that I went nonetheless.

Now that I am home full time, I am able to be available for little snafus like today. Unless I am in a very important meeting or too far away to get there in time, I want to be the one to help her. I understand that there may be a time where my husband or a friend might have to come to her aid but I hope that my daughter doesn't have to encounter the embarrassment that I did.

Update-On the car ride home I asked Princess what she said that ticked the other child off. She said that she did not say anything but rather gave her the "Chinese" middle finger. Apparently it is to stick your pinky in the air. I told Princess that she won't be doing that next time this other student is upset.

Princess is now happily playing with her dolls. Pretty soon I'll try getting her to do some homework. She seems to have fully recovered.

Is there a time when you had to pick up your child from school? Is there a time that you were unable to be there when your child needed you? Is there a time when your parents were not there for you in your hour of need? Please respond here or on my Facebook page- Raising a Drama Queen: Insights and Musings in Bipolar Land

Remembering My Mother

I was going to post this yesterday but I just ran out of steam or motivation or whatever.
Don't get me wrong I loved my mom dearly. I miss that she is not here to see her grandaughters grow up (my brothers each have 2 girls- no boys in the mix). I miss that I can't talk to her and get advice or just tell her about my day. We were very close before she became ill.
Before my brothers and I were born she had what is now referred to as a psychotic break. She spent several months in a mental health facility. Somehow once she came back home she was able to resume her life for a very long time without any medication. That is until all of us kids left home.
My dad also suffered from Mental Illness. My parents divorced when I was 7 because my dad became very unstable. My mom feared for our lives. My mom raised my brothers and I by herself. She made sure we were fed, clothed and had a roof over our heads. She made sure that we went to church and that we desired to become productive citizens. She gave up so much to ensure our happiness.
One by one all of us left the nest. First my younger brother left to join the Army. His intent was to only enlist for 4 years but you know how that goes. Before you know it you are married and signing up for more years. Then my older brother got married and started a life apart from my mom. I went away to college but I was still close by. When I finally married at age 33, my mom held it together for a few more years but eventually we saw a decline in her health and her mental health.
A few years after I got married, my husband and I were training for a marathon. My mom scheduled a knee replacement surgery right around the time of the marathon. Since I was flying out of state to participate in it, I asked my mom if she could post pone it but she said couldn't. As these things tend to happen, things did not go well. Two days after her surgery, my mom suffered a major stroke that landed her in the ICU of the hospital that she was recovering in. I  told my husband that he could go on and participate in the marathon but he felt he needed to be by my side.
Shortly after this event we saw my mom's mental health decline rapidly. The life that I had always dreamed of was not my own. I was signing my mom in and out of mental health facilities quite often. When we saw that my mom could no longer care for herself, we moved her to an assisted living facility close by where her apartment had been. That proved to not be a fit for very long. Next we moved her to the first of several board and care facilities where her needs could be better met.
I tried to see her when I could but it was very hard as I was really trying to live my own life. Around this time my husband had cancer twice and I was pregnant with Princess. Somehow we got through and fumbled along for almost four years more.
One day I was at the dance studio with Princess when I got a call from the doctor at the hospital telling me that my mom had been admitted with pneumonia. I'll never forget this doctor's words of "You better circle the wagons." I could not believe my ears. I did what I always did and pulled it together for my mom. I went to visit her in that hospital room where she lay comatose. I know she recognized me by the way her foot moved when she heard my voice. A few days later, she was gone.
It was interesting because she always identified with St. Patrick's Day since she was named after him. So she hung on a few more hours past midnight on March 18th.
I share this story to explain that I have experience with Mental Illness besides just my child. It is in my DNA. It is also in my husband's DNA. I had hoped it would skip our child and not manifest in her but it has. I truly believe that God needed a special mom and a special dad for this little one. So He chose us.
I take this responsibility very seriously that is why I fight so hard to get Princess everything she needs.
Blessings to you and yours on this day after Mother's Day.

I Think I Might Spit Nails at the School

Disclaimer: I apologize ahead of time for any poor grammar I use or if I offend anyone.

For the last few days I've had a blog topic swirling around in my brain. It's a pretty good one too that I don't see addressed anywhere but alas that will have to wait as I have a more pressing topic that is just begging to be written.

I like to be pretty methodical and to think things through when I write but sometimes that is not the case. Today is a vent or a rant. I'm calling this my creative vent and yes I coined that term. You may borrow that term if you wish since I did not copyright it.

But I digress.

On my Facebook page which you can find here, I have been writing about the possible new school that we are looking into Princess attending in the Fall or possibly in the Summer. Two weeks ago I sent a letter via certified mail to Princess'  school district case manager  and another to the  NPS administrator telling them of our desires and why. Last week was Spring Break so Princess' current school did not get the letter until Monday. Ever since then they are putting up a fight to hold on to Princess. Unfortunately they are going about it the wrong way. I'm hoping that will work to our advantage but in the meantime I'm getting angrier by the minute with their treatment of my daughter.

Yesterday Princess informed me that her class watched a Goosbumps movie at school. I have a few problems with that the most important one is that Princess gets anxious after watching these kinds of movies and has nightmares afterwards. I had previously told the school I didn't want Princess to read any of the Goosbumps books for this very reason. Silly me I forgot that was two therapists and three teachers ago. (Yep my daughter, who needs stability, has had three therapists and four teachers this year at the same school. Just one of the reasons why we are asking for another NPS placement.)

After Princess left for school today, I emailed her school therapist and her classroom teacher my concerns about this and a couple of other things. To her credit, the school therapist emailed me back rather quickly. She stated that since it was windy yesterday the class stayed inside to watch a movie. She said that the movie was rated G so they thought it would be OK. My husband said that just because the Motion Picture Association of America gives a movie a G rating doesn't mean it is good for all kids. Parents and teachers must still use their common sense.

Once I read the email, I requested that the school give me  advanced notice of when they were going to show a non-educational movie. So we could choose whether or not to opt Princess out of the show.

At the end of the day when Princess got home she was so angry with me. Apparently not only did they tell her that I said she couldn't watch movies and would have to sit outside while her class had fun, they also told her that I wanted her to practice her cursive more. Smooth move school to pit my child against me, to make me out to be the bad guy here. What about an apology to me for  subjecting my chhild to something that could cause her more anxiety? What about telling my child, "It is important for you to learn your cursive so that you will learn how to write your signature, a skill that you will need all of your life."?

I was going to get on the phone right then but since I am creating a paper trail, I did not. What I will do next time is make the phone call to clear this up and then follow up with a phone call. (Don't you just love hindsight?) I chose to shoot off another email but this time I CC'd everyone who has any part of my child's education or mental health so they will know what is happening. I got a response right away stating that the school doesn't know what I want. What?? The therapist also said she wanted to discuss this further at my daughter's IEP in two weeks. So what is going to happen in the meantime? As a side note: I have had no communication with the teacher, just the therapist. I want to know her thoughts on all of this.

I am going to call the school tomorrow to request a meeting with the classroom teacher and the therapist to see if we can get this cleared up so that my daughter is not singled out and that they stop telling her that it is my fault for xy and z. I am not sure why I cannot talk to the teacher directly but this is the protocol at the school so I must follow the rules.

OK, Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already. I still might need some ice cream though. LOL.

OCD Can Ruin a Lovely Day

There are days lately where I think that maybe it is time to close up this blog for awhile. After all Princess is doing so well. Then there is an incident like yesterday and I realize just how much mental illness is a part of our lives. I am grateful that the Bipolar side is being controlled with meds but right now, today, we are dealing with OCD.

OCD at its worst can take over a person's life. In our case it also takes over our family's life.

Yesterday the place I thought was the most likely to feed OCD did not. Instead a place I would have never guessed did. Let me explain. As you may know Princess and I went on a mini vacation. Yesterday I decided to take her to one of the beaches in LA. This one has a carnival feel to it. Princess was a bit nervous as there was sand which has been a problem for her tactile senses in the past. We also ate at a seafood restaurant which can be an assault to her sense of smell but thankfully it did not smell fishy. Yep over all we had a pretty great time at the beach.

When it was time to leave I decided to take the scenic route which ended up taking us a lot longer to get home that I would have liked. Princess did great in the car ride by keeping herself busy with her sticker book and rockin' out to the music on the radio.

When we got closer to home, I said that I was going to a drive thru at a fast food restaurant minutes from our house. She let me know that she had to use the RR. Before we got there I asked her if she thought she could wait until we got home and she said she did. Of course while we were in line, it became clear that she was in "emergency status." I told her to jump out, use the RR fast and get back in line. Silly me I thought this would be simple as the line was long. I ignored the voice in my head that warned me that OCD was lurking. As I moved up in the car line, I prayed that my daughter would be finished by the time that I got to the drive thru window. That was not the case. The cashier even let me pull up a little since there were no cars behind me. This establishment is not like many McD’s that has a parking spot where you can wait if your food is taking extra long.  At one point I got out of my car and walked to the window to ask the manager to keep an eye on my daughter. Eventually another car pulled up in the drive thru and my gig was up. I actually had to pull my car around the block, back through the alley and then park in the strip mall adjacent to the restaurant. Then I entered the restaurant where the real fun began (insert smirk here).

Once inside I noticed that there was a lady standing outside of the RR who politely but firmly informed me that she was next. I let her know that it was my daughter who was inside. She stepped aside and let me talk to my daughter through the door. I told Princess that she had to hurry up as others were now waiting but alas my words fell on deaf ears and it was another 15 minutes before she emerged. I ended up watching the men’s room while the lady who was waiting to use the women’s room went inside. I was so embarrassed. There was honestly a point where I wondered if we’d have to do something to break the door down.

When Princess finally emerged, we pretty much walked in silence to the car. On the way home, I let her know my displeasure and how her OCD impacted not only me but the restaurant patrons and employees as well.  I was pretty ticked.

After we arrived home, I went straight inside after telling Princess to gather a few of her things. Here’s where things got really dicey. About ten minutes later, I realized that Princess was still not inside. So I went to our van only to find her a sobbing mess in the back seat. I coaxed her out and let her know that it would be OK. (Insert mommy guilt trip here.) A few minutes later I went to check on her in our bathroom because she was supposed to be getting some tissues to dry her eyes. I asked her what was up. She told me that she could never forgive herself. Oh the burden she must feel. She gets what she is doing is wrong but she cannot stop OCD from bossing her. As I mentioned before we do use a combination of medicine and therapy to help tame the OCD beast. I think a phone call to the doctor is in order today. Stay tuned.

* As a side note: I was finally able to get Princess mind off of the ugliness by watching "Mrs. Doubtfire" with her while cuddling with  her on the couch. Maybe I'm not the worst mom in the world after all.

OCD as a Comorbid Disease in Those with Autism

In honor of Autism awareness month I am going to be posting comorbid diseases and how they present themselves in Princess. Please note that Princess's main dx is still BP but I am seeing that she has a lot on common with kids who have Autism as their main dx. This will be an occasional series.
OCD is the beast that we have to battle with on a pretty consistent basis. I even read that Carly Fleischmann, co-author of "Carly's Voice" and a voice for Autistic people everywhere, has OCD as well. The rituals of OCD can take over a person's life. They end up missing out on so much because the rituals are time consuming and paralyzing. 
We first noticed or rather acknowledged that Princess had OCD about two years ago. She went through this phase of using excessive band aids and having to change her undergarments seven times a day. At one point we were going through a box of band aids a day. She had a band aid on literally every finger. It wasn't enough that she had a band aid, there was an obsession with their use as well. First the band aid had to be put on just so. If not, she would take it off and start over. Then if she washed her hands and the band aid or band aids got wet, the whole process started over again. We tried limiting the number of band aids that Princess was allowed. We also stopped participating in the ritual of putting the band aids on. Another way that OCD manifested in Princess was with her shoes. It she had Velcro shoes, the straps had to be pulled as tight as they could go. They also had to be lined up perfectly, no crooked lines at all. If she wore shoes that had laces, the laces had to be pulled tight, double knotted and exactly the same length. The shoe obsession caused her to wear out shoes much faster than her peers. more importantly it caused our family to miss church. It also caused Princess to be extremely late to school on a number of occasions.
After awhile, the band aid fetish progressed into the hand washing obsession. Princess washed her hands frequently and for extended periods of time just to make sure that they were clean. I knew we had a big problem when we went through a gallon of soap in two days. Silly me. I thought if I stocked up on soap, then I wouldn't be running out to the store so much. Instead Princess took it as a sign that it was OK to use as much as she wanted.
Looking back now, there were early signs that Princess had OCD. One of them was that the top sheet on her bed had to be just so or she couldn't get comfortable. Another was her need to wear the same outfit every day for months on end,
OCD will always be a part of Princess's life but there are things that can be done to make it more manageable. One is to take Zoloft. This works in amazing ways to stop the obsessive thoughts. Another lifesaver is therapy. Since Princess's therapist is aware of this problem, she works with her to help her recognize the behaviors and stop them. Finally as parents, my husband and I have to choose not to be OCD's ally. We keep only a limited amount of band aids available at all times. If Princess runs out, she has to buy more with her own money. I do not adjust her bed sheets either.
In a way, OCD can be like any dx. It has it's ebbs and flows. Right now we are seeing it flare up a bit but it is still manageable.