A Failed Suicide: My Story

In 2012 I was in a really dark place. I had a bully boss who was micromanaging my every move. I tried to measure up to her high standards, but I could not. I don't think that I would have ever been a good enough teacher in her eyes. In March of that same year, I contemplated suicide. I wanted the pain to stop. I erroneously thought that my life would be of more value if I were dead than if I were alive. I was driving on the 55 Freeway and figured that if I drove fast enough, I could smash my car into another car and end it all. Fortunately, I chickened out.

Let me take you back to the day that led to these horrific thoughts.

A few weeks prior to my failed attempt and months after months of harassment, I was working hard to become a better teacher. One of the things that I was asked to do was to have a mentor work with me to create a plan to improve my craft. My mentor and I decided on a few days where she could come help me. We notified my principal in writing of all of these days in sufficient time.  That particular day I planned on teaching for an hour then working with my mentor for a few hours and end the day collaborating with my colleagues. Apparently, my principal forgot about the days because the morning in question I was greeted by the office manager who asked me why I needed a 1/2 day sub that day. I informed her of the plan and told her that Mrs. B, the principal, knew of this plan. I went on my merry way, because it was almost time to get my students. About twenty minutes later, Mrs. B. burst into my room. She called me over and in front of my students lambasted me about the situation stating that I did not have prior approval as stated in the Teachers Who Need Mentors manual. I reminded her that I had previously turned in paperwork with the dates that I would be working on my improvement plan. A paper that she signed and approved of. As she walked out of the door, I stood there flabbergasted. I could not believe that I had just been yelled out in front of 30 five and six year olds. By my supervisor no less! I'll never forget the look of horror on those scared little babies' faces. One of them piped up and said, "What was that all about?"
I collected myself as best as I could and then returned to teaching my precious students.
A month later as I was recounting this story to my therapist, she wisely noted, "I bet some of your students see their parents act like this on a regular basis. This event just further traumatized them"
When the substitute came, she could sense that something was amiss, but told me to get on with my day. She would figure out what needed to be done.
I tried to calmly walk out of my classroom as I went looking for my mentor. As luck would have it, there were no empty classrooms that we could work in. I did not want to work in the teachers' lounge because I feared my bully would interrupt our planning time to yell at me again. We decided instead to go to my mentor's car to work. A few minutes after we got situated, my phone rang. It was the school, they wanted to know where I was. My bully had sent out the office manager looking for me, but she couldn't find me. For the record, I did not have to tell anyone my whereabouts. My students were cared for. I could have gone off campus if I wanted to. It probably would have been more comfortable instead of balancing my notebook and laptop in the front seat of a compact car.
When I answered the phone, I could hear my bully screaming in the back ground, "You tell her to get back in campus right now. She needs to return to her students. She does not have permission to work on her plan today." I immediately gathered my things together and reported for duty as my drill sergeant had requested. I stuffed my emotions for the third time that morning.
Whether I followed protocol or not, it is never Ok for an adult to yell at another adult in the presence of children. I will never know the impact that that day had on my students. I only know the impact that it had on me.
For days after that event, I was unable to sleep and started to lose my hair. Then one day on the way to work as those scenes flashed through my mind, I became overtaken with anxiety. I could not breathe. I parked my car, called the office and told them I would not be working that day. I then drove home in tears. The incident on the 55 Freeway happened a couple of weeks after that.
I could not see my future. I could not envision returning to that hostile environment. I knew that my family needed me to provide for them because at the time I was the primary breadwinner. I thought the only was out of this mess was to end it all. After those scary thoughts,  I arrived at my friend's house. I told her what I had been thinking. She encouraged me to speak to our family therapist about those thoughts. Later that evening before I left her house, my friend made me promise not to act on my thoughts.

When the therapist heard my story, she encouraged me to speak more to a psychiatrist to see about taking some medication. So I did. For over a year I took medication and I saw a counselor until I no longer was in that dark place. One of the things that my counselor told me was that children whose parents commit suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves. I could not imagine my daughter killing herself, because she knew that's what her momma had done when things got rough.
I am forever indebted to my friend and my therapist for talking me out of that dark hole. I am also grateful for medication that was available to me during that time.

**I did eventually return to the scene of the crime so to speak, but things were never the same. I'll write about that experience in a few weeks.

Musings on Mental Health

Many people think they know what it looks like or is supposed to look like but how many really know what a mental illness looks like in real life?  I've had three people that I am biologically connected to, suffer from mental illness. It is not pretty but it is not something to be afraid of either.
Both my mother and father suffered from mental illness during several periods in their respective lives. My dad had schizophrenia. He was not medicated much of his adult life. His refusal to get the help he needed made him unstable. My mom had what was known at the time as a nervous break down shortly after her marriage to my dad.  Today doctors call this a Psychotic Break. Once she became a mother, she remained stable until the last chick (me) left the nest. The last four or five years of her life we searched for the right medications for her, but never found them.
Between the ages of six and seven my daughter was diagnosed with first ADHD and then Bipolar Disorder . We can now add OCD to that combination. Since I saw how difficult mental illness was on my parents, I pushed harder for my child to become stable.   I researched, joined an online support group and sought out qualified doctors and therapists. There was even a time when I searched for the best behavioral health hospitals in a hundred mile radius of our house.
I had no real control over what medications ultimately helped my child become stable. Her body pretty much dictated that.  We never kept her on any one medication any longer than was necessary. Some psychiatrists subscribe to the idea that if you just titrate up on a medication, eventually, you will see some benefits from it. Dr. Wonderful's belief was that we should see some changes, no matter how small, before increasing a drug. As a result of this and all of our doctor's cutting edge practices, Princess has been stable for over a year now.
Another benefit to having  parents who had mental instability, was that when my daughter was at her worst, I knew how to deal with it. I never told her what she was thinking or feeling was silly or irrational. Instead I'd try to get her to work through it or distract her. It's funny, when she was a toddler, my husband and I  would distract her to get her mind off of something that was off limits or bothering her. Now that she's older we still employ those same tactics but we have to be more sly about it.
The great thing about having a mental illness (Yes I just said that), is that the person who has it enjoys life more when they are stable.  They, and in turn their family, know how hard it was to achieve stability. They realize that every day of stability is a gift. My husband and I have noticed that our daughter feels things more deeply than the average person.  If someone is hurt or sad, my daughter is the first to console them. She has a tender heart because she knows what it feels like to hurt or be sad.
The stigma surrounding mental health is one of its biggest stumbling blocks. Many people do not want to talk about it. I feel like it's the elephant in the room. When I am at a gathering and mention that I have experience with mental illness, invariable one or two people will say, "Me too." I thought I was all alone in my struggle to get my loved ones back to being mentally healthy but it turns out there are lots of people just like me.
While living with someone with mental health challenges is difficult, it is not impossible

Oh But She Seems So Normal

When I hear the above statement, sometimes it angers me but other times it makes me happy because it means that Princess is so stable that others don't see anything wrong. Sometimes I want to shout and scream about all of the unspeakable things my family has had to endure. Society wants a cure for cancer. I want a cure for mental illness.
Lest anyone think that I am exaggerating about my daughter's problems, I'm going to give you a glimpse into a day into our life.
July 21, 2013 did not start out like any other day. It was like many other days that summer. From almost the minute Princess woke up, she was ornery and uncooperative. Her birthday party had been the day before. She was still upset that only one person came to her party. Early on my husband and I decided to stay home from church because we sensed that things would go south rather quickly.
Around 11:00 I had to call the county's crisis line to ask someone to come out to evaluate Princess as she was becoming hostile, angry and aggressive. Shortly before this she had been chasing after me and attacking me with her stick pony. Anyone who says to just pull it out of her hands has no idea how strong a child fueled with anger and  adrenaline can get. I once had a police officer tell me that we just needed to spank Princess and she'd be fine.
Anyway back to the story. The crisis counselor told me that she'd have someone call us back. They knew us well because we were having a lot of problems with Princess. They had just closed the file on our case because they couldn't fix it in three weeks. One of their specialists had made the statment that our house was chaotic and that we let Princess "rule the roost." Again merely a parenting issue.
Sorry I keep getting side tracked but this is important history to  understand what happened next.
The head psychiatrist who oversaw our whole county's mental health crisis line called me back to say that they would not be coming out to our house that day. I said, " What if I get a black eye or a broken arm?" He replied that they still would not come out.
 Unfortunately some medicine that I had given Princess to calm her down was very short acting so it wore off after only a couple of hours.
During this time I had been texting some friends and family asking for prayer. They were people who I knew we could count on. One of them asked if she and her husband could come over to see us to give us a breather and offer support. After some discussion, my husband and I decided to agree to letting them come over. 
About 30 minutes later Clarice and Richard came over. Clarice had brought a  birthday present for Princess. Princess and I  oohed and ahhed over it while the guys were outside taking a breather on our back patio. Princess became agitated because she wanted to show Clarice the new doll she had just gotten for her birthday but Clarice and I were talking so she had to wait. For the first time ever, she attacked someone other than my husband or I. Clarice was left with scratches on her arms.  Princess got distracted by the swing outside and asked to go play on it. I agreed and all three of us went outside. Princess was only on the swing a few minutes before she left our property and started running barefoot down the street. I was certain she was headed for her friends house a few blocks away. I tried calling the child's mother while Clarice went looking for our husbands.
Before I knew it the friend's mother was calling me as I was calling her. She called me very concerned because Princess was hiding under a bed  and had made some alarming statements.
My husband got in our car hoping to get her and put her in it because he knew she would not willingly walk back with him.  After Princess refused to get in our car,  I had no other choice but to call the police even if I didn't think they could help us.
Twenty minutes later the police had still not arrived and by this time Princess had run off again. We really were not sure where she went.
I called the police again and was told that they were busy with other calls. Finally they arrived after my second call. By this time Princess was now back on our street but was in different neighbor's house hiding under the bed in the master bedroom.
Our neighbor, Jim and his wife, Betty came outside to talk to us. About the time the police finally arrived, Princess was on the move again. She moved into the neighbor's tent trailer so that is where the police officer talked with her. When he came over to the front yard where we were all gathered, he said that Princess recognized there was a problem and agreed to go to the ER.
Princess wanted to ride with Clarice and I so the guys took our car and followed us. By this time we were starving and Princess had fallen asleep in the back seat so we grabbed some fast food and proceeded to the ER. Once we got to the ER, Princess was an angel. This is how many ER's see kids like mine. Then they are assessed and sent home again. What the doctors don't realize is that children are rapid cyclers so it would just be a matter of time before she would rage again.
After triage, we were sent to a holding room in the ER and sent our dear friends on their way. Previously when Princess had been in the ER it was party time with TV and ice cream. What kid wouldn't want to show their best side in that situation? This time I told Princess there would be no TV. This set her off. Before I knew it lots of ER staff were in the room trying to subdue my child. It was not a pretty sight. Well after that the staff were pretty much on our side. They told us that since they had witnessed a full bown rage for themselves that they would advocate for us with the crisis team assessor who would make the call whether or not to admit her to a behavioral hospital. I was still not convinced since we had been at the ER  four times in the last month and had been sent home all four times. This time when the evaluator came, she read the reports,  and saw my daughter had been subdued, she decided not to interview my daughter as had been their previous practice. She felt there was enough evidence to admit her. Now the difficult task was finding a bed for her. If they were unable to find her a bed, she'd have to stay in the ER for up to three days until one was found.  Even though we live in surburbia, there are only 13 beds available for kids my daughter's age. After many phone calls and hours later, we were told that a bed had been found almost an hour away in another county. By the time we got my daughter checked in it was 6 a.m. the next day. My husband and I were exhausted.
I wish I could tell you that after that hospital stay, they found the right medications to bring her to stability. What happened instead was that, she had three more hospital stays over the next two months. She would be in a hospital for a week to ten days, come home for a few days, become unsafe again and have to be admitted again. Thankfully, my daughter's psychiatrist is forward thinking and wanted  Princess to try the new wonder drug but this wasn't until October.
In mid October we began to see a beautiful child emerge. We knew she was there all along but the fog of mental illness was clouding her.
This summer Princess has had two major successful events. She had an awesome birthday party and a fantastic time at VBS (Think Sunday School Summer Camp for a week.) She's also doing pretty normal things like going to the beach and a baseball game.
We may not be going on any fabulous vacation any time soon but I'll take what we have over the trips to  behavioral hospitals anytime.
I know all to well that Princess' current medicine regimen could stop working at any given moment. I am also aware the teen years are coming. They bring additional challenges to kids with mental illness because their hormones get out of sorts which in turn affects the balance in brain chemistry. For today I choose to not look to far into the future. For today I choose to focus on all of the blessings that stability brings into our lives.
The next time someone says that my child is typical, I just may thank them for that compliment but in my heart, I know how hard all of us have worked to get Princess to that point.
*Please note: All of the names mentioned here are fictitious but the people and events are not.

OCD as a Comorbid Disease in Those with Autism

In honor of Autism awareness month I am going to be posting comorbid diseases and how they present themselves in Princess. Please note that Princess's main dx is still BP but I am seeing that she has a lot on common with kids who have Autism as their main dx. This will be an occasional series.
OCD is the beast that we have to battle with on a pretty consistent basis. I even read that Carly Fleischmann, co-author of "Carly's Voice" and a voice for Autistic people everywhere, has OCD as well. The rituals of OCD can take over a person's life. They end up missing out on so much because the rituals are time consuming and paralyzing. 
We first noticed or rather acknowledged that Princess had OCD about two years ago. She went through this phase of using excessive band aids and having to change her undergarments seven times a day. At one point we were going through a box of band aids a day. She had a band aid on literally every finger. It wasn't enough that she had a band aid, there was an obsession with their use as well. First the band aid had to be put on just so. If not, she would take it off and start over. Then if she washed her hands and the band aid or band aids got wet, the whole process started over again. We tried limiting the number of band aids that Princess was allowed. We also stopped participating in the ritual of putting the band aids on. Another way that OCD manifested in Princess was with her shoes. It she had Velcro shoes, the straps had to be pulled as tight as they could go. They also had to be lined up perfectly, no crooked lines at all. If she wore shoes that had laces, the laces had to be pulled tight, double knotted and exactly the same length. The shoe obsession caused her to wear out shoes much faster than her peers. more importantly it caused our family to miss church. It also caused Princess to be extremely late to school on a number of occasions.
After awhile, the band aid fetish progressed into the hand washing obsession. Princess washed her hands frequently and for extended periods of time just to make sure that they were clean. I knew we had a big problem when we went through a gallon of soap in two days. Silly me. I thought if I stocked up on soap, then I wouldn't be running out to the store so much. Instead Princess took it as a sign that it was OK to use as much as she wanted.
Looking back now, there were early signs that Princess had OCD. One of them was that the top sheet on her bed had to be just so or she couldn't get comfortable. Another was her need to wear the same outfit every day for months on end,
OCD will always be a part of Princess's life but there are things that can be done to make it more manageable. One is to take Zoloft. This works in amazing ways to stop the obsessive thoughts. Another lifesaver is therapy. Since Princess's therapist is aware of this problem, she works with her to help her recognize the behaviors and stop them. Finally as parents, my husband and I have to choose not to be OCD's ally. We keep only a limited amount of band aids available at all times. If Princess runs out, she has to buy more with her own money. I do not adjust her bed sheets either.
In a way, OCD can be like any dx. It has it's ebbs and flows. Right now we are seeing it flare up a bit but it is still manageable.

Seeing Things From a Different Perspecitve

I am a little unnerved about something today. I have a choice to either let it eat away at me that people who should care about my child, don't or I can choose to focus on those who do. Guess what I am choosing to do?

Good thing I went to church this morning. During worship one of the songs had these words: Nothing compares to the riches of Your love. Your love is enough. Amen to that.

Instead of  posting a rant,  I am going to tell you about those that God has brought into our lives and what a difference they make.

First of all Princess has three amazing therapists. The one at school is there for her every day. They talk about things that bother her and how to be a better friend. This therapist, Miss A., also has group sessions with my daughter and her classmates. Additionally the school district pays for a therapist from an outside agency to come every other week to meet with Princess to help her build her friendship skills even more. He also meets with my husband and I twice a month as we learn how to parent this child. Since he sees Princess at school, he is a great liaison between school and home. Finally there is our beloved personal therapist. I cannot say enough about this wonderful lady who helped steer us in the right direction from the very beginning almost 4 years ago. One thing that is so good is that she does play therapy with Princess to draw things out of her. She tells Princess the things that she needs to hear but that she might not like to hear. There have been a few times where I thought for sure that Princess was going to say that she didn’t want to go back to see Miss R. after a particularly rough session. Princess understands that Miss R. cares about her so she always wants to go back to see her the following week.

Princess has two doctors who are amazing as well. Dr. R. has been her pediatrician since she was just a few days old. Before Princess had any dx at all. I was struggling with feeling like a loser mom, this doctor took me aside and told me "You are doing a great job!" I didn't even tell her that I was struggling but she could tell. When our therapist told us that we needed to get the dx of ADHD from our child's doctor, Dr. R. signed paperwork stating such. This little piece of paper was all that we needed to get Princess the 504 that she needed so that the school would stop suspending her. (That 504 is now an IEP which is better but is a story for another day.) The other doctor whose feet I would like to kiss is her pdoc. This woman has worked so hard to get my child stable. She tried many medications but it never felt like Princess was a guinnea pig because my husband and I were part of the decision making process. This doctor also kept us well informed. She is usually available via phone or email. That has been a lifesaver in our moments of crisis. Additionally she was the one who asked us to consider Amantadine, what we now refer to as the wonder drug. She is one of those individuals who never stops learning. She went to a conference where she learned about this new to us drug. Then she presented the idea of trying it to us. I am grateful that she is a lifelong learner.

The school that Princess goes to has been a godsend as well. The structure that they provide for Princess is fabulous. We can tell that the staff- van drivers, PE teacher, classroom teachers, aides etc.- really cares about my child and the other children who attend their school.

Our church gets how difficult it can be to be a part of a worshipping community when you have a child with a disability. They are supportive in ways that go beyond my comprehension.

Then there are our friends. They love on my daughter like nobody's business. They ask me how she is doing, how they can pray and basically love on us. It is reassuring to know that my best friend's daughter is also my child's BFF. This child is truly a gift from God. She knows how to love and support my child even on days when it is hard. My BFF reassured me recently by telling me that she wasn't going anywhere. They are in it for the long haul. I only have a few friends who I can count on but God brought the right ones to me.

Today is a day that I can choose to be negative or I can choose the positive. I choose to reflect on those whom God has brought into our lives rather than those who choose not to be supportive.

A Reason for Hope

I have wanted to share all of our good news but wasn't sure how to go about it but finally am taking the plunge. Please know this is my experience. All children are different and respond to psych meds differently but since my daughter has done so amazingly well on this new medication. I felt compelled to share about it with you.
I've blogged in the past a little about out journey so far. You can read more about it here .
In December of 2012 we started our first of many new normals but Princess was stable. Unfortunately the medication that made her stable also made her crave food especially carbs. She ballooned up to over 100 lbs by May of 2013. Her pdoc weaned her off of that med with the hopes of starting a new med soon. Well becasue of an insurance snafu we did not get to start my daughter on a new medication  So last summer Princess was in and out of medical facilities over the course of two months trying to get her meds just right. She would get discharged and be home a few days then would end up having to go right back because she would become so unsafe.  Some  parents with children like mine have coined the term "Street and Treat." That was very true for us. For a while I felt like I was living in the movie "Groundhog Day."  My husband and I were seriously considering a Residential Treatment Center because things had gotten so bad.
In September we were finally able to get Princess in a therapeutic day school that the public school agreed to pay for but she  was still very sick.
In October when we were at our wit's end, our pdoc suggested we try this new med she had heard about at a conference that she recently attended. She said that it had been used to control behaviors in kids like mine. It had been used for a long time in Parkinson's patients but just recently in kids. With nothing to lose I agreed to try it. I was scared to death that this was not going to work and we would eventually end up having to place my child  in an RTC in a few months. Well lo and behold it was the wonder drug.
I cannot begin to tell you what a difference this drug, Amantadine, has made in my daughter's life! She is like a different child. She can attend and focus. She her acts of aggression are considerably less frequent and shorter. Her executive functioning has improved dramatically. Her SPD issues are almost non existent. The change in my child is so dramatic that I cannot believe it is the same child. It is like her behaviors were getting in the way of us being able to see who she truly is inside.
Even when she was stable in 2012, she was nothing like what we are seeing now. Her teachers are noticing as well. I can honestly say that I am enjoying spending time with my child. I no longer dread when the next rage is coming.
Two additional benefits are that we have decreased her other meds significantly and she has lost all of the weight she put on. We were able to go off of one med and are dereasing another. It is the pdoc's hope that eventually Princess will only need to be on one or two meds in addition to Amantadine.
I'll end this by saying that if any of what I am saying sounds intriguing to you, I encourage you to ask your child's doctor  about considering Amantadine for your child. I'm posting some links to some studies/ research about Amantadine if you are interested. Here's one. Here's another. The second link has the information about 1/2 to 2/3's of the way down the page. The facility is a highly respected residential treatment center in Texas.
We had almost lost all hope. We are beginning to dream again.
Never give up!

Weight Issues

If you know me, you know that weight is something that I have struggled with all of my life. When my husband and I were dating, I had recently lost a significant amount of weight. One day my knight said "I will still love you even if you gain all of the weight back." Well that did it. From then on I was madly in love with this man who could have so much unconditional love for me.
 Princess has struggled with her weight as well. Last year at this time Princess's weight had crept up to an unhealthy number. Her doctor knew that a certain medication was the culprit so we tried to limit carbs and provide more nutritious alternatives. This was to no avail. Her weight continued to climb. Finally in May her doctor took her off of that med.
What followed was the worst summer and early fall ever as we tried to find another medication to stabilize her moods.
Finally in October, her doctor decided to try something new that she had never tried but that several of her other colleagues had met with success. I was scared out of my wits but decided to take a leap of faith.
Right away we noticed big changes. Princess could pay attention.  She seemed to have matured over night. She could sit still. She did not have so much extra energy. Best of all she was no longer aggressive. For us this has been a wonder drug.
The flip side of it, is that it has exaggerated Princess's food issues. Oh it was great when she first started to lose all of the extra weight. Of course my pocket book didn't like it. It was fun to see her slim down. That is until I started to see her ribs stick out. Even my husband noticed it.
So in late December I made an appointment with the pediatrician. We went in under the guise of having the doctor look at her chapped and bleeding hands. Then after the doctor gave us the name of an OTC cream and a prescription for another, I asked Princess to go to the waiting room while I talked to the doctor.
The doctor informed me that Princess was not in dire straights yet. According to her growth charts, my daughter, was in the 60th percentile. I was shocked to say the least. I thought she'd be more in the 30th percentile.
I asked for some advice as her other doctor wanted to put her back on the medication that had led to the weight gain in the first place. She suggested that we meet with a nutritionist that she would set us up with. She also recommended that we give Princess Pediasure 2-3 times a week at the end of the day if we felt that she wasn't consuming enough calories. She said that she and Princess's other doctor will continue to monitor her weight on a monthly basis.
In my opinion the weight loss is not only caused by this new medication but by at least two other factors. Princess dislikes the way many foods feel, smell and/ or taste. She even told me that she doesn't like the way sliced potatoes feel on her tongue. She will only eat grandma's mashed potatoes because they don't have any lumps. She also has food anxieties. She is afraid to try something new for fear of not liking it. These two factors really came to a head at a recent family gathering. When it came time for dinner at my cousin's house, Princess took one look at all of the food and became overwhelmed. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she needed a "cool out." So we went into the living room where she informed me through tears that there was nothing there that she liked. I know from years of dealing with this that I would get no where if I just told her to try. So I asked my cousin's son for the makings for a PBJ. He happily obliged. So while the rest of us ate yummy prime rib and scalloped potatoes. My child dined on a PBJ and a banana. I am so thankful that no one said a word of criticism.
I have learned that for the time being when we are dining out whether it be at a restaurant or someone else's house, I will be bringing an emergency meal for Princess just in case.
I do worry that these eating habits could develop into an eating disorder as I see some of the early signs of this.
Like my husband modeled for me me, I will love my precious child no matter what her size. I just want her to be a healthy weight.
I would ask for your continued prayers as we battle this. We are so thankful that Princess is doing so well in so many areas but know that she continues to struggle in other areas. Thank you for your support and love.