The Effect Bullying Had on my Daughter with Special Needs

My daughter is a very sensitive child. She has a warrior inside of her, but she's still very tender. Following a recent move, I was able to see how delicate she really is. 

When school began in September, our new school district assigned her to a school they had just opened up. It was a school for children like my daughter or so they said. We soon found out that most of the children attending it had more severe behaviors than my daughter. They were very aggressive and hostile. After a few weeks at this school, my daughter began showing signs of distress not unlike those of a child being bullied. I advocated on my child's behalf, but to no avail. I really felt like my words were falling on deaf ears.

My daughter has a lot of needs both medical and behavioral. I often have to pick her up early from school or drop her off late due to her various appointments. On an early pick up day, a school administrator brought my child to the office. He informed me that Princess had been hit in the nose with a pencil. She was so distressed by the incident, that she missed over an hour of instruction while she calmed down. I asked questions to find out more details. I was told very little as no one saw anything.

Additionally,  on numerous other occasions daughter also told me that she felt threatened by several of the boys in her class. They called her nasty names and used racial slurs. She tried to inform the staff as to what was happening, however, they were often breaking up fights in the classroom or campus so they were not able to help her out. 

The Friday following the pencil incident, I pulled my daughter out of the school. That Monday I attended an emergency IEP meeting to make my request formal. The school district and school agreed this placement was not a good fit for my daughter. I've been working with the school district ever since to find a more suitable school. I believe I've found one, however, they are not ready to accept my child. They want to make sure everything is in place before she starts there.

In the meantime, my daughter has been through intensive therapy to help her deal with what she encountered at her previous school. Most days she has been doing extremely well. There are days though where she doesn't know what to do with all of her emotions.

Last week, we were in the car returning home from an appointment when I noticed she was angry with me for what appeared to be no reason. So I asked her about it.:

Me: I don't understand why you are upset with me. We've had such a good day. Have I done something to make you angry?

Princess: I feel like I am with you all of the time. I wish there was someone else I could talk to.

Me: Well you will see you dad soon and you can talk to your therapist tomorrow. I feel like there is something else.

Princess: I don't know how to say it without making you mad.

Me: Just say it.

Princess: I'm scared. What if all of the boys at my new school are mean? What if they treat me like the boys treated me at my old school?

Me: Well, when we toured the school, they seemed really nice and friendly.

Princess: What if that was just fake? What if they are really mean on the inside? (At this point the tears started flowing)

Me: Oh, baby! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I do think that this new school has a caring staff who won't let that happen. They told me they have a plan in place so you won't get bullied.

Princess: Mom?

Me: Yes.

Princess: I think I need a hug. Could you pull the car over and give me a hug?

At that point, I pulled into a neighborhood, stopped in front of a cute house with a basketball hoop and got out to give my daughter the longest hug in awhile. We both cried together. She cried because she was scared and relieved. I cried because my girl was so sad. My heart ached for her.

After our crying party ended, as I got in the car, I told my girl how proud I was of her for expressing her feelings. I also told her that I now know that when she is anxious and stressed, she displays anger. This knowledge can help us in the future.

As I work with my daughter's team to help her become emotionally strong, I hope and pray that she never has to endure what she went through this September. I believe the school she attended for just a few short weeks was ill equipped to handle her needs. In some respects, they did try to help. Unfortunately, it was not enough. When I first brought my concerns to their attention,  denied that anything was wrong. I kept trying to figure out a solution until it became apparent that the solution was to pull my child out of that school.

In all of this I have learned that my daughter will survive. In fact, I think she'll come out being a stronger person.

As I drove off on that day not too long ago, I reminded Princess that not all boys are mean. Not all boys are bullies. Her BFF, pictured below, is one of the nicest boys. We're pleased to have him (and his family) in our lives.

Princess and her best friend two years ago

How I Helped My Daughter with Autism Feel at Ease at the Eye Doctor's

As part of my daughter triennial IEP, she was given an informal vision test by the school nurse. Sadly, but not surprisingly, she did not pass the far sighted portion of it. This means that she has trouble seeing things that are up close. We were told that she would probably need reading glasses.
 One of the reasons that I am not surprised that my daughter needed glasses is because she comes from a long line of spectacle wearers on both sides of her family. I myself have worn glasses since I was in fifth grade. For many years I needed to wear them to correct astigmatism and  for distance, nearsighted. In the last few years, my eye doctor added farsightedness. So yes I officially wear bifocals now. My husband has worn reading glasses for many years. He is now wearing his glasses most of the time. Many of my daughter's extended family also wear glasses.
I thought that being around all of these vision impaired people would make my daughter see that it was OK or even cool to wear glasses. We are not weird or odd. I was mistaken in this belief.
Like anything that is new or unfamiliar to my child, she became anxious about the thought of wearing them. The idea of the office visit itself brought on a lot of anxiety. My daughter is not alone in her feelings of overwhelming anxiety. Anxiety is almost synonymous with autism. My daughter will worry herself sick when presented with a new situation. Sometimes just thinking about something will overwhelm my girl.
The idea of getting new glasses made my daughter fret like a wet hen. She expressed to me on several occasions how nervous she was. Fortunately, I have a few tricks up my sleeve.
It just so happened that I needed to get my eyes checked for a new pair of glasses. I cannot go to my own eye doctor's appointment with Princess since I need to keep an eye on her so I scheduled mine the day before hers. While there I noted that there were two new optometric assistants whom I had not met before. I made it a point to get to know them. I had a plan.
Finally, the day of the exam came. After my daughter got home from school, I encouraged her to put on some comfortable clothes, not pajamas, as that is her go to outfit at home. I also made sure she got a snack.  She grabbed a book as well. All  of these actions were to make her life easier as well as mine. 
Once we arrived at the eye doctor's, we had to wait a bit.  On the way to the office, I had told Princess about the two new office members. I told her that one of them thought I was funny. I also let her know that the other one, a gentleman, seemed kind and helpful.Princess knows both of the doctors, a married couple, from church. She'd been to their office before, however, it had been awhile. When it was time for her to go back an office staff member brought Princess back. She wanted me to go with her so I did. I knew that once she saw Dr. R, she'd warm right up to him. That's exactly what happened. Once I saw that my daughter was at ease, I quietly excused myself so that I would not become a distraction. I also wanted my daughter to have a sense of independence. After the exam, Dr. R. informed me that Princess did indeed need a pair of reading glasses. We discussed easing her into wearing them by only having them at home. I suggested that after she saw how much they helped her with homework and reading at home, she would then want to use them at school as well.
Soon it was time for my little fashionista to pick out her glasses. The female staff member came over to assist her. Princess did not show any signs of apprehension or anxiety over this process. It was like she was picking out clothes with a trusted friend.
I'm so proud of my daughter. On this day she was confident and poised. Once the glasses arrived, there will be an adjustment period. I do anticipate that she will have anxiety over being teased about them. I know that her team at school and I will help her conquer this fear head on.
Bit by bit I am learning to instinctively help my child by easing her into things. Telling her ahead of time about the new office members helped her see that they were friendly and not scary.  Going back with her to the exam room and leaving when I sensed she was comfortable showed her that she doesn't always need me by her side. She knows that I'll be there if she does need my assistance. Suggesting that she wear her glasses at home assured her that she wasn't going to have to jump into something before she was ready. Finally, being in contact with her teacher and school staff will help boost her confidence. She knows these people and I have her back.
With just a few minor adjustments, my daughter will be rocking her new glasses in know time at all.

Weight Issues

If you know me, you know that weight is something that I have struggled with all of my life. When my husband and I were dating, I had recently lost a significant amount of weight. One day my knight said "I will still love you even if you gain all of the weight back." Well that did it. From then on I was madly in love with this man who could have so much unconditional love for me.
 Princess has struggled with her weight as well. Last year at this time Princess's weight had crept up to an unhealthy number. Her doctor knew that a certain medication was the culprit so we tried to limit carbs and provide more nutritious alternatives. This was to no avail. Her weight continued to climb. Finally in May her doctor took her off of that med.
What followed was the worst summer and early fall ever as we tried to find another medication to stabilize her moods.
Finally in October, her doctor decided to try something new that she had never tried but that several of her other colleagues had met with success. I was scared out of my wits but decided to take a leap of faith.
Right away we noticed big changes. Princess could pay attention.  She seemed to have matured over night. She could sit still. She did not have so much extra energy. Best of all she was no longer aggressive. For us this has been a wonder drug.
The flip side of it, is that it has exaggerated Princess's food issues. Oh it was great when she first started to lose all of the extra weight. Of course my pocket book didn't like it. It was fun to see her slim down. That is until I started to see her ribs stick out. Even my husband noticed it.
So in late December I made an appointment with the pediatrician. We went in under the guise of having the doctor look at her chapped and bleeding hands. Then after the doctor gave us the name of an OTC cream and a prescription for another, I asked Princess to go to the waiting room while I talked to the doctor.
The doctor informed me that Princess was not in dire straights yet. According to her growth charts, my daughter, was in the 60th percentile. I was shocked to say the least. I thought she'd be more in the 30th percentile.
I asked for some advice as her other doctor wanted to put her back on the medication that had led to the weight gain in the first place. She suggested that we meet with a nutritionist that she would set us up with. She also recommended that we give Princess Pediasure 2-3 times a week at the end of the day if we felt that she wasn't consuming enough calories. She said that she and Princess's other doctor will continue to monitor her weight on a monthly basis.
In my opinion the weight loss is not only caused by this new medication but by at least two other factors. Princess dislikes the way many foods feel, smell and/ or taste. She even told me that she doesn't like the way sliced potatoes feel on her tongue. She will only eat grandma's mashed potatoes because they don't have any lumps. She also has food anxieties. She is afraid to try something new for fear of not liking it. These two factors really came to a head at a recent family gathering. When it came time for dinner at my cousin's house, Princess took one look at all of the food and became overwhelmed. I asked her what was wrong. She told me that she needed a "cool out." So we went into the living room where she informed me through tears that there was nothing there that she liked. I know from years of dealing with this that I would get no where if I just told her to try. So I asked my cousin's son for the makings for a PBJ. He happily obliged. So while the rest of us ate yummy prime rib and scalloped potatoes. My child dined on a PBJ and a banana. I am so thankful that no one said a word of criticism.
I have learned that for the time being when we are dining out whether it be at a restaurant or someone else's house, I will be bringing an emergency meal for Princess just in case.
I do worry that these eating habits could develop into an eating disorder as I see some of the early signs of this.
Like my husband modeled for me me, I will love my precious child no matter what her size. I just want her to be a healthy weight.
I would ask for your continued prayers as we battle this. We are so thankful that Princess is doing so well in so many areas but know that she continues to struggle in other areas. Thank you for your support and love.