The Effect Bullying Had on my Daughter with Special Needs

My daughter is a very sensitive child. She has a warrior inside of her, but she's still very tender. Following a recent move, I was able to see how delicate she really is. 

When school began in September, our new school district assigned her to a school they had just opened up. It was a school for children like my daughter or so they said. We soon found out that most of the children attending it had more severe behaviors than my daughter. They were very aggressive and hostile. After a few weeks at this school, my daughter began showing signs of distress not unlike those of a child being bullied. I advocated on my child's behalf, but to no avail. I really felt like my words were falling on deaf ears.

My daughter has a lot of needs both medical and behavioral. I often have to pick her up early from school or drop her off late due to her various appointments. On an early pick up day, a school administrator brought my child to the office. He informed me that Princess had been hit in the nose with a pencil. She was so distressed by the incident, that she missed over an hour of instruction while she calmed down. I asked questions to find out more details. I was told very little as no one saw anything.

Additionally,  on numerous other occasions daughter also told me that she felt threatened by several of the boys in her class. They called her nasty names and used racial slurs. She tried to inform the staff as to what was happening, however, they were often breaking up fights in the classroom or campus so they were not able to help her out. 

The Friday following the pencil incident, I pulled my daughter out of the school. That Monday I attended an emergency IEP meeting to make my request formal. The school district and school agreed this placement was not a good fit for my daughter. I've been working with the school district ever since to find a more suitable school. I believe I've found one, however, they are not ready to accept my child. They want to make sure everything is in place before she starts there.

In the meantime, my daughter has been through intensive therapy to help her deal with what she encountered at her previous school. Most days she has been doing extremely well. There are days though where she doesn't know what to do with all of her emotions.

Last week, we were in the car returning home from an appointment when I noticed she was angry with me for what appeared to be no reason. So I asked her about it.:

Me: I don't understand why you are upset with me. We've had such a good day. Have I done something to make you angry?

Princess: I feel like I am with you all of the time. I wish there was someone else I could talk to.

Me: Well you will see you dad soon and you can talk to your therapist tomorrow. I feel like there is something else.

Princess: I don't know how to say it without making you mad.

Me: Just say it.

Princess: I'm scared. What if all of the boys at my new school are mean? What if they treat me like the boys treated me at my old school?

Me: Well, when we toured the school, they seemed really nice and friendly.

Princess: What if that was just fake? What if they are really mean on the inside? (At this point the tears started flowing)

Me: Oh, baby! I'm so sorry you feel this way. I do think that this new school has a caring staff who won't let that happen. They told me they have a plan in place so you won't get bullied.

Princess: Mom?

Me: Yes.

Princess: I think I need a hug. Could you pull the car over and give me a hug?

At that point, I pulled into a neighborhood, stopped in front of a cute house with a basketball hoop and got out to give my daughter the longest hug in awhile. We both cried together. She cried because she was scared and relieved. I cried because my girl was so sad. My heart ached for her.

After our crying party ended, as I got in the car, I told my girl how proud I was of her for expressing her feelings. I also told her that I now know that when she is anxious and stressed, she displays anger. This knowledge can help us in the future.

As I work with my daughter's team to help her become emotionally strong, I hope and pray that she never has to endure what she went through this September. I believe the school she attended for just a few short weeks was ill equipped to handle her needs. In some respects, they did try to help. Unfortunately, it was not enough. When I first brought my concerns to their attention,  denied that anything was wrong. I kept trying to figure out a solution until it became apparent that the solution was to pull my child out of that school.

In all of this I have learned that my daughter will survive. In fact, I think she'll come out being a stronger person.

As I drove off on that day not too long ago, I reminded Princess that not all boys are mean. Not all boys are bullies. Her BFF, pictured below, is one of the nicest boys. We're pleased to have him (and his family) in our lives.

Princess and her best friend two years ago

What Happened Next?

A few weeks ago I wrote about my failed suicide attempt. You can read about it here.
As with any major crisis there is always the question, "What happened next?" Followed closely by, "Have things changed?"
 After my failed attempt, I worked really hard to get to a better place. I met weekly with our family therapist who helped me tremendously. I also took medication for over a year. I also knew that I needed to teach at a different site. Our teachers' union felt the same way. We, unfortunately, were not the ones to have the final say. For reasons unknown to me, my district decided to keep me at the same site in the same grade level.
In June of that summer, I had removed all of the items from my classroom in hopes that I would be teaching on a different campus in the fall. Two days before the school year started, I put everything back in.
I'm not sure how I put on a smile that first day back, but I did. It is in my nature to be forgiving and hopeful. I desired to move past the events of the spring. In my opinion, I was the only one in this story who wanted things to improve.
Our union legal rep had encouraged me to not file a grievance until I returned in the fall. Shortly after the new school year began, we filed it because the working relationship between my supervisor and I had only worsened. I was like the kitty holding on to the rope with every fiber of its being. No one ever sees what happens to this poor creature. More than likely he eventually falls. That's what happened to me.
A few weeks after the grievance was filed, we heard the results. The decision was that it was unfounded. I knew at that point I had to let go of that rope at least for a bit.

On September 30, 2012 I went out on stress leave with severe pain in my right shoulder. I believe it was stress related. I did not know that I would never return to teaching. Less than two weeks later, my daughter had her first hospitalization in a behavioral health facility 100 miles away from home.
Sometime during the first few days and weeks of my daughter's hospital stay, it became clear what I was supposed to do. I really felt God telling me to stop fighting so hard to stay at a job where I would never measure up. My child needed me to be her caretaker. It was as if she needed more of me than I was able to give her when I was teaching. At the height of the school drama, I was working upwards of 60-70 hours a week trying to be the perfect teacher. My daughter got the measly leftovers. Not what I ever envisioned when I signed up to be a mom.
One thing that I had trouble letting go of was the guilt at not being able to stick it out with my darling kindergarteners. Their kindergarten year is the  first year of their formal schooling, the foundation of the rest of their education. Eventually, I was able to move past my regret. In the years since, I have had the privilege of being able to see a few of my students from that year. Not one of them, nor their parents, has shown me anything but love and understanding.
Once I let go of the virtual rope that I had been holding onto for so long, I felt so much relief.
Life has not always been a bed of roses these last few years, but I am so thankful that I have been able to be so much more involved in my daughter's well being.
I never was able to work things out with my supervisor. After I left, we didn't speak to each other. On the day that I removed things from my classroom, she made herself sparse.
My doctor initially diagnosed me with anxiety disorder which later became PTSD. It took me many months before I could even drive the route to my school that I drove for over ten years. Every time I tried I would have a panic attack.
 So that's what happened next after I  planned to end my life. Things have definitely changed in the years since my failed attempt.  I believe everything happens for a reason. Out of a dark and painful experience, came something beautiful.

After I resigned from teaching, I felt like this little plant peeking through the concrete.

*Photo credit and quote courtesy of my daughter. 

Oh the Wisdom of a Child

I try really hard to only tell my daughter things that I think she is mature enough to handle. I don't want to put her in adult situations before she is ready. Last night I made the decision to break the silence on something that I have not told her about for almost three years. I told her the real reason that I left teaching.
After we dropped of cookies at the pharmacy, our favorite Justice store and our favorite Soup Plantation restaurant; we stayed and had dinner at Soup Planation. While we were there, the grandparent of one of my former students came in with her family. Her granddaughter wasn't with her but I recognized her anyways because she volunteered many hours in my classroom. Her grandchild was one of the ones that I was teaching when I had to go out on a stress leave. I regret that I had to do that but I had to take care of myself. At any rate before she left the restaurant she gave Princess $10 and told her to take me to Five Guys. She remembered how much I like their hamburgers. That was such a kind gesture.
When we were done with our meal, we headed to Target to pick up some dog food. As we were driving Princess asked me if I missed teaching. I told her that I did but that I am happy to be home being her mom. I'm also happy to have a new career as an educational advocate. Then I told her the secret that I'd been keeping from her. She never even had an inkling that something wasn't right at may school. I tried very hard to keep my conversations about it private.
I told her that my boss was mean. I told her that nothing I could say or do would ever make her like me. You can read more about my bully boss here.
She asked if I had told other people. I had. She asked if I had told my principal's boss. In some respects I had but there are a lot of politics involved. I let my sweet girl know that sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's best to just move on. The best part is is that now I get to be her mom full time. When I was teaching and in that awful situation, I spent many hours away from my family. At the height of it I was putting in 50-60 hours a week trying to perfect my lesson plans and classroom. I let my girl know that I am happy with my life. If I were still teaching, I would not be where I am today. I told her that something wonderful came out of something so ugly. Then my wise child said, "It's kind of like Pompeii. After the volcano erupted and all those people died, new life came out of the ashes. The earth was made new." That's kind of how I feel. The old has been buried under ashes and soot. New life is springing from it.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am glad that I waited to tell Princess. She is now older and more mature. I left out most of the ugly details but I will tell her one day when she is older. I was so proud of my daughter that she handled it so well. I reveled in her kind words and compassion.
 After this heartfelt discussion, we found a parking space near Target and did our shopping. On our way home from, we drove home to the sounds of the sound track from Disney's "Shake it Up".
Too bad it wasn't Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off." Maybe I'll listen to it today.