Kharma's Name is Not Cancer

There's a popular saying that goes "If you are mean to others, Kharma will come back and bite you in the tush."  I was also raised with the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." While those are nice sentiments, I don't believe that's how God works.
Tonight I found out that a nemesis of mine received a cancer diagnosis. Am I supposed to be happy that this happened to her? Should I  subscribe to the notion that "Kharma" got her? Not even one bit.
If I have those thoughts or feelings, then I am no better than she is. Hatred of others is contrary to what I believe.
If "Kharma" were true, then why do innocent people die of cancer? Why does this vicious disease prey upon people I care about?  Both a very good friend of mine and my cousin lost their spouses to this wretched monster. I have a friend who just found out that her cancer is back. Last week I attended a memorial for a dear neighbor of mine. He was 72! From the time of his diagnosis until the time of his passing only six weeks lapsed. Not one person had anything bad to say about this man. He always showed my family love and acceptance. When I told his wife  and him about Princess' challenges, neither one of them shirked away or passed judgment on my husband or I.
On the other hand my nemesis, made my life miserable for only a few short years but it felt like a lifetime. I did not seek out a witch doctor to curse her with cancer. When we parted ways, I left quietly. I truly tried to move on and heal from the pain she caused me.
Now that I know that my nemesis has cancer, I truly feel sadness for her. If I feel that she got her just dessert for the way that she treated me and others, then I am no better than her. I feel that the best way that I can honor God is to show her compassion even though she doesn't deserve it. Even though the easy thing to do is to give "Kharma" a fist pump.
I'm trying to be Jesus with skin on to those I come in contact with in my littler corner of the world. If I show love to those who are least deserving of it, I am honoring God.
Would you kindly join me in praying for this woman who may never have experienced much love and compassion from others? I may just muster up the courage to show her the kind of compassion that Jesus has shown me. Pray for me as well. Thanks.

Musings on Mental Health

Many people think they know what it looks like or is supposed to look like but how many really know what a mental illness looks like in real life?  I've had three people that I am biologically connected to, suffer from mental illness. It is not pretty but it is not something to be afraid of either.
Both my mother and father suffered from mental illness during several periods in their respective lives. My dad had schizophrenia. He was not medicated much of his adult life. His refusal to get the help he needed made him unstable. My mom had what was known at the time as a nervous break down shortly after her marriage to my dad.  Today doctors call this a Psychotic Break. Once she became a mother, she remained stable until the last chick (me) left the nest. The last four or five years of her life we searched for the right medications for her, but never found them.
Between the ages of six and seven my daughter was diagnosed with first ADHD and then Bipolar Disorder . We can now add OCD to that combination. Since I saw how difficult mental illness was on my parents, I pushed harder for my child to become stable.   I researched, joined an online support group and sought out qualified doctors and therapists. There was even a time when I searched for the best behavioral health hospitals in a hundred mile radius of our house.
I had no real control over what medications ultimately helped my child become stable. Her body pretty much dictated that.  We never kept her on any one medication any longer than was necessary. Some psychiatrists subscribe to the idea that if you just titrate up on a medication, eventually, you will see some benefits from it. Dr. Wonderful's belief was that we should see some changes, no matter how small, before increasing a drug. As a result of this and all of our doctor's cutting edge practices, Princess has been stable for over a year now.
Another benefit to having  parents who had mental instability, was that when my daughter was at her worst, I knew how to deal with it. I never told her what she was thinking or feeling was silly or irrational. Instead I'd try to get her to work through it or distract her. It's funny, when she was a toddler, my husband and I  would distract her to get her mind off of something that was off limits or bothering her. Now that she's older we still employ those same tactics but we have to be more sly about it.
The great thing about having a mental illness (Yes I just said that), is that the person who has it enjoys life more when they are stable.  They, and in turn their family, know how hard it was to achieve stability. They realize that every day of stability is a gift. My husband and I have noticed that our daughter feels things more deeply than the average person.  If someone is hurt or sad, my daughter is the first to console them. She has a tender heart because she knows what it feels like to hurt or be sad.
The stigma surrounding mental health is one of its biggest stumbling blocks. Many people do not want to talk about it. I feel like it's the elephant in the room. When I am at a gathering and mention that I have experience with mental illness, invariable one or two people will say, "Me too." I thought I was all alone in my struggle to get my loved ones back to being mentally healthy but it turns out there are lots of people just like me.
While living with someone with mental health challenges is difficult, it is not impossible

Finding Our Place in This World

I have a unique dilemma since my child looks and can often act so "normal." I'm not quite sure where we fit in. My daughter can keep up somewhat academically with her peers. She's even advanced in reading. She is able to interact with other children her age but not all of the time. She's that square peg trying to fit in a round hole.  On the other hand, Princess rises to the top with her disabled peers. She doesn't have as many needs that are visible to the naked eye. I've had people question why we even have her in the disabilities ministry at our church because she doesn't present as differently abled. It's so tricky trying to figure out where we belong.
Before I knew all of Princess' struggles, we tried several different extra curricular activities. She took dance lessons from the time she was 1 1/2 until she was around 6. She was always the challenging one in class but we thought it was because she was bored. Then one day I got the call no parent wants to receive. One of the lead teachers at her dance school called  to tell me that my child would have to take private lessons because they could no longer handle her with other students.  Her behaviors were interfering with dance instruction. That wasn't what I was looking to do so we politely bowed out of dance.
We also tried drama. Princess loved dancing and putting on little plays at our house so I thought she'd do well with acting. I enrolled her in one of the best youth programs in our area. Princess struggled there too.  One day after acting class, I was cornered by the two directors. Even though I'd been straight forward about Princess' challenges on her application, they had not taken the time to read it. They informed me that Princess was having difficulty sitting still and listening to directions. They even had the gall to ask me if she was adopted.  About this time, Princess was refusing to get ready for acting class, I think that was the last day we went to that drama class.
Another time Princess was spotted by a talent scout. We were having a rough outing while shopping when a lovely lady approached me and asked me if my child had ever done any acting. I told her our experience. She told me that she represented an acting school for children about an hour away from our place. My husband and I checked it out, enrolled our daughter and even had head shots done in Los Angeles.  Once Princess completed the classes, she was ready to see a talent agent. We had a slight glitch though, Princess could not follow the directions of the talent agents. She lacked focus. That was the end of her hopes for getting picked up by a talent agency.
Since these experiences Princess hasn't done much. She has no interest in organized sports. I am not of the mind set of making my child do something that she doesn't like, especially one as strong willed as mine. That approach will surely back fire on me.
We even tried Gen Ed with Princess. That turned out horribly. She's currently in a small private school that is publicly funded. She's thriving there. I dread the day that our district decides that they're no longer going to pay for this.
Alternately I fear that my child is not getting what her school aged peers are getting. She has very limited computer time. She is not getting to perform science experiments or even go on field trips.
We gave up a portion of her academics to focus on her behaviors instead.
I worry that she will fall behind students in the Gen Ed setting. One day when she is ready to reenter the public school setting, will she be able to keep up with them?
Ultimately I struggle with knowing if I am giving my daughter what she needs both in the school setting and outside of it. Are my fears holding her back?

I've come to a few conclusions. One is that when my daughter is with children like her, she is as the French say, "La creme de la creme" (The cream of the cream.) Yet when she's with children without challenges, she falls to the bottom of the barrel. I think for her self-esteem I'd rather have her be at the top where it's easier for her to shine. Another conclusion is that I need to find more activities that Princess can participate in out of school. I'm going to start researching some groups for children with differing abilities. I'm hoping that the leaders of these groups will be more accepting of my special daughter. Lastly, I'm glad that my daughter is challenging because when she's enjoying herself and really shining, all of us appreciate it and savor it more.

Don't go Changin'

Changes- Lots of Special Needs kids don’t do well with them.  My daughter, Princess, is no different. Right now there are a lot of changes going on in her little life. She moved classrooms, her 1:1 aide at church is on an extended vacation, her pubescent body is changing much to her chagrin…. The list goes on.

One major change is that my knight started back at school in July to become a PE teacher. It’s been a life long goal of his but for various reasons has not happened until now.  From ages 2-8 Princess knew me as the primary breadwinner. Her father was mostly a Stay-At-Home Dad. Our roles reversed to more traditional ones in 2013 when I resigned from teaching. It was a gradual change over time or so I thought.

In my mind I’m used to him being gone two nights a week. He’s also been busy working on projects on most weekends. On top of this, he’s substitute teaching as many as five days a week.  It's a lot for our kiddo to handle. 

If you know me, I’m a “go with a flow” type gal.  I thought Princess was doing well with these changes but then tonight she fessed up. She was dilly dallying before bedtime in hopes of staying up long enough to get a good night kiss from her daddy. She told me that she didn’t understand why her daddy has to become a teacher. She'd rather he stay home all of the time with her. If she had her way, both her father and I would be home all of the time.

Princess also told me that she didn’t understand why her dad had to be gone so much. I reminded her of the plan and told her that although we’d love for money to fall from the sky, it didn’t.  After our discussion, Princess picked up the pace under my watchful eye.  I said prayers with her, kissed her goodnight and tucked her in before my husband got home from his class. She still outsmarted me though, as she willed herself to stay awake until she got her second kiss; the one from her beloved daddy.

My husband and I will continue to teach Princess about changes in her life. It's a slow process but one day she'll do better with them even though she may never be a "go with the flow" person like her mother. 

When God Doesn't Give Us What We Want

My friend just posted the quote below on Facebook. I got to thinking about a conversation I had yesterday with the ten year old philosopher who lives in my house, AKA Princess. I told her that God is not like Santa. He doesn't dole out what we want. He gives us what we need. Sometimes we like what He gives us because it is even better than we could have every imagined. There are other  times when those gifts invoke anger. Do I dare say rage, in us?
There are many, many times in my life when God answered a prayer of mine in a completely different way than I would have ever imagined but it was always perfect.
When my husband found out that he had cancer the first time, we prayed for a miracle. We got one that time. Then two years later his cancer returned. It couldn't have come at a worse time. My mom was really struggling with her mental illness and I got pregnant at the same time. I remember wondering how everything was going to get done- we had to move my mom into an assisted living facility, my husband had to go to his chemo treatments and somehow I had to get the house ready to receive our daughter. The tasks seemed insurmountable. By the grace of God we accomplished everything. He provided the resources we needed to get everything done. Our church family provided meals. My younger brother came from out of state to help me move my mom- She'd been in her apartment for thirty plus years. The nurses at the cancer center told me to stay away. They didn't want me to get sick from all of the germs that cancer patients seem to bring with them. They assured me that for the sake of my unborn child, they'd take good care of my husband. They kept that promise.
When Princess was born, we marveled at the miracle of her birth because we knew all of the things we'd endured before her birth.
Fast forward to two years ago. Our family was once again in crisis. I had a bully boss that I could not seem to please no matter what. My husband had encouraged me to quit because he could see what it was doing to me. I prayed instead for another teaching assignment. I worked so hard to make things right. I wanted desperately to be the best teacher on the planet. At the very same time Princess was struggling. We prayed for a miracle with her as well.
I'd been out on stress leave from March until June earlier that year. My hope was that I could figure something out so that I could teach at another school in the district. Alas that was not to be. When school resumed in late August, I remained at the same school with the same administrator. I was even given the same grade to teach. I had renewed vigor to make this work even though we'd had a horrific summer with Princess. About a month in I could no longer handle the stress it was placing on my body so I went out on stress leave again. I had no idea what I was going to do. God knew though. He knew that Princess needed more of me. Two weeks after my second stress leave Princess had her first hospital stay. It was in a facility 100 miles away. I was beginning to see that my daughter needed an emotionally strong mom.  A  stressed, worn out momma was not going to help her. When she was discharged, we were advised to put her in an outpatient program. Interestingly enough there were no spots anywhere except at the hospital she had been at. My husband and I determined that I would stay with her while he went back home to teach PE at a small private school. Finally it clicked I was needed to care for our daughter and not teach. God knew that for our situation I could not possibly teach and be the mom my daughter needed.
I wish that it would have been easier to get to that point but I am sure that I would have left teaching kicking and screaming if it had been different. I was one of those people who'd dreamed of teaching ever since I was 14. I exited college with the same major as I had  entered it.
Another prayer that my husband and I had was the prayer for stability for our daughter. For over four years we prayed for just the right mix of medications. Our daughter's psychiatrist tried everything before trying the magic pill Amantadine. It was a long and hard road. Princess had many side effects and many hospital stays. We never gave up hope though. I think in my heart I knew that eventually something was going to work. Now over a year later since starting this medication,  I continue to see my child blossom into a beautiful, loving and caring human who is genuinely happy.
While I wish that I had not had to go through so much fire. Everything I've been through has made me a stronger person. It's made me appreciate the little things more. I am a happier person. If my prayers had been answered the way I wanted them to, I'm not so sure I'd be as at peace as I am today.

Oh the Wisdom of a Child

I try really hard to only tell my daughter things that I think she is mature enough to handle. I don't want to put her in adult situations before she is ready. Last night I made the decision to break the silence on something that I have not told her about for almost three years. I told her the real reason that I left teaching.
After we dropped of cookies at the pharmacy, our favorite Justice store and our favorite Soup Plantation restaurant; we stayed and had dinner at Soup Planation. While we were there, the grandparent of one of my former students came in with her family. Her granddaughter wasn't with her but I recognized her anyways because she volunteered many hours in my classroom. Her grandchild was one of the ones that I was teaching when I had to go out on a stress leave. I regret that I had to do that but I had to take care of myself. At any rate before she left the restaurant she gave Princess $10 and told her to take me to Five Guys. She remembered how much I like their hamburgers. That was such a kind gesture.
When we were done with our meal, we headed to Target to pick up some dog food. As we were driving Princess asked me if I missed teaching. I told her that I did but that I am happy to be home being her mom. I'm also happy to have a new career as an educational advocate. Then I told her the secret that I'd been keeping from her. She never even had an inkling that something wasn't right at may school. I tried very hard to keep my conversations about it private.
I told her that my boss was mean. I told her that nothing I could say or do would ever make her like me. You can read more about my bully boss here.
She asked if I had told other people. I had. She asked if I had told my principal's boss. In some respects I had but there are a lot of politics involved. I let my sweet girl know that sometimes no matter how hard you try, it's best to just move on. The best part is is that now I get to be her mom full time. When I was teaching and in that awful situation, I spent many hours away from my family. At the height of it I was putting in 50-60 hours a week trying to perfect my lesson plans and classroom. I let my girl know that I am happy with my life. If I were still teaching, I would not be where I am today. I told her that something wonderful came out of something so ugly. Then my wise child said, "It's kind of like Pompeii. After the volcano erupted and all those people died, new life came out of the ashes. The earth was made new." That's kind of how I feel. The old has been buried under ashes and soot. New life is springing from it.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am glad that I waited to tell Princess. She is now older and more mature. I left out most of the ugly details but I will tell her one day when she is older. I was so proud of my daughter that she handled it so well. I reveled in her kind words and compassion.
 After this heartfelt discussion, we found a parking space near Target and did our shopping. On our way home from, we drove home to the sounds of the sound track from Disney's "Shake it Up".
Too bad it wasn't Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off." Maybe I'll listen to it today.

A Tribute to My Daughter's Therapist

In April of 2010 my husband and I were at a loss as to what to do to help our daughter. Upon the advice of the school psychologist we started researching a family counselor. The therapist we eventually chose was referred to us by a pastor from our church.

From the moment we walked into Miss R's office we immediately knew we were in the right place. She talked to our daughter privately while my husband and I filled out some paperwork, one of which was the Connor's Rating Scale, a survey that measures the likelihood of a child having ADHD. As we left that first meeting, we scheduled a follow up appointment with just my husband and I.

For a long time after the first initial sessions, our therapist became a cog in the wheel for us. She had been down this path many times before. She knew what we needed to do, who we needed to talk to, what books to read etc. She even had the names and numbers of references, one of which ended up being our daughter's wonderful psychiatrist whom we also are very thankful for.

Miss R was very frank with us from the very beginning.  She never sugar coated what we were dealing with. We were told, "Your daughter has severe ADHD. I also think she may have Bipolar Disorder based on your family history of mental illness." We were in shock and disbelief but not without hope.

At one of our first visits, she told us that she wanted to see our daughter on a weekly basis but she also knew that my husband and I needed support in how to parent her. So we agreed to see her on a weekly basis as well.

In addition to being an MFT, Miss R is a registered play therapist. This means that Princess is able to receive counseling through play. Miss R became someone who Princess looks forward to seeing every week. There were a number of times that I thought we'd be asked not to come back the following week due to Princess’ outbursts and meltdowns but every week we were still welcomed into her office with open arms and a smile.

This "Feelings Doctor", as Princess calls her, truly has a gift. I get the sense that she feels this is her calling in life.

When Princess was at her most unstable points, I could call Miss R and expect a return call in sometimes as little as twenty minutes. She gave us advice in many crisis situations.

It's hard to believe that we've been with Miss R for over 4 1/2 years now. The time has just flown by. We know how rare it is to find such a competent and caring therapist let alone one from the very beginning. It was important to my husband and I that Princess really like her therapist otherwise it would be a struggle to get her to attend her weekly sessions. There have only been one or two times out of the many, many appointments that Princess did not want to see Miss R. I can't help to think that God had His hand in choosing this special lady. I know that my family is grateful to have this professional in our lives.

By the way- Her initial gut feeling that our daughter had Bipolar Disorder has been confirmed by a number of medical doctors.